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Monday, December 31, 2012

Resolve

For the New Year, I won't make any resolutions this time. I will something, anything, nothing specific but something that will make a difference.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Misconceptions

People harbouring and spreading misconceptions, I have my eyes on you! -_-

PS: YES I MEAN YOU!!! *queue-evil-laughter*

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Haiku XXII

A broken mask,
An empty flask,
The night to pass.

Dulled

The flu and the fever had an effect on me. An unprecedented effect. I though they would make me numb, oblivious to the environment. However this did not happen. Rather the flu and the fever affected my ability to think. I perceive all the things around me, but its takes time. More than usual. I saw a cat licking its face. I was starring at the spot where the cat was long after the cat had left still thinking of how it was licking its face. This reminds me. The sky is dull in the city. You cannot see the stars. Even if there is a power outage, the stars are still dull. The songs are dull too. The night is no longer as crisp and sharp as it used to be. Or may I have become so used to them that I do not notice any difference. Its not just the flu and the fever that have dulled me, the things around me, the environment, the world, it would appear that all of this has blurred.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Irtiqa

I had an idea, a vision. It was like a dream, now it is a reality. It is still an idea, as dynamic as it ever was. But now others can see it too. Its there. Its real. It will grow.

Just to commemorate the fact that the idea is a reality, I made a Facebook page for Irtiqa with more concrete plans.

Check it out and tell me what you think.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Everyday Occurence

Lets talk about something serious for a moment. Life, as we know it. That is what we should talk about. About the impact that it has and the manner in which people are affected by it. That should be the focus of our discussions. On second, that is just hectic. We need to relax.

Friday, December 14, 2012

The Litany

Her voice so sweet it filled the air sickly
Souls have reverberated to its litany,
Watch the sun go down time and again
The voice it fills as darkness does men,
The dead would walk again to hear her voice
If they could they would, you can so rejoice,
This is Death's Nightingale that sings
A gift from Death itself, her voice clings,
Alas! I cannot hear her again for all my will,
To wish for a death is sin, this is my wish still.
 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I Give Up

I gave up on the world. No more trying to change it and make people see the truth or reality or whatever. Let the people see what they want to see. I can see what they see too, and from now on I will only look at that. So yea, no more trying to change the world like that.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Vanished

The color in her eyes vanished,
It feels like life itself is famished,
It was done with her smile,
But to fade it took a while,
The people they now look so vile,
As if they are just filled with bile,
Life it seems has done a wrong,
And now here is another song,
To think about it would be a crime,
I think I need a better rhyme,
Nothing more but just a memory,
A victim of another treachery.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Monday, November 26, 2012

Scars And Pain

The marks that we have, are not something that should be forgotten like a conversation we had with an acquaintance. Although by principle even that conversation with the acquaintance should not be forgotten. But, we are human, forgetful and mortal. The marks, the scars that we have are not something that should be forgotten. We must remember them as part of our lives. People try to forget their scars and that in itself is foolishness. Learn from the past, and evolve to a better form. Remember how you got that scar, where you slipped and what you said, in what situation, so you do not slip again, so you do not say that again. The idea is to grow through the marks and the scars. To remember the lesson that they carried and not the pain. The Pain is good, but it should not be remembered. Remembering it makes us conditioned to it. The condition then makes us immune to the pain. So the next time we feel pain, we will feel nothing and will not evolve. The mark is a sign, the pain is a key. Evolution is the ultimate objective. To a better form, not gods though, just something more... humane. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Others

Now they remember me all of a sudden. Such a sudden remembrance. Looking at the patterns in the past it would appear that some errand of a particular nature has popped up. It just erupted out of the earth and confounded them and so they remember me. In other news, I now understand the rules of being a bourgeois. Futile wasteful rules they seem to appear to me. Must look at them in detail,  they seem too muddled. It would appear that there was no distinction between the classes when it came to some rules, however that is impossible. There is something that needs to be investigated. Also, change my image again. No. Nada. Nope. Not. Nay. Ne. Nae. It would mean a unification, something that is inefficient. I appear broke to many people. I think it is part of the antisocial subconscious persona. People do not hang out with poor people and so I look poor so they avoid me. This way, I know those who want to be friends with me and those who want to be friends with me. I don't like either. I like those who like to spend time. Friends want you to run and walk and stroll with them. These other people, they just stand there with you. Taking in the scenes and the serenity. I like to take things in. I don't need to move with the society, it is necessary, and I can. It is not a compulsion for me. I mostly do not give a damn. I like my talismans. I am having one modified. I don't know what it will look like. I don't know what will it show now. I need to use all of them know, its about time. Enough is enough. Also, the masks. Together, I just love them. Together, I will use. For some reasons, this reminds me of the inscription on the one ring. 'One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them, One ring to bring them all, and underneath the darkness bind them'

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A Reflection

I started writing to keep my thoughts in one place. So that I could come back someday and look at all the things that I thought that are very moment. Thoughts. There and then. Frozen in time. Written in verses and prose. In a style that only I could read. Then I stopped. Then I started. I found some nice people here. Interesting people. People, who as I now understand, hide in there. In the world. Cause there are different. Because they shine like stars amongst the people so mundane. But then again, I hide too. I say what is on my mind but in joke not out loud. Never out loud. For Fear of being marked. I don't like being marked and highlighted. I give away my ideas just because I do not like to be marked. But then again, I have my reasons. My writing I use it for reflection. But then, it is only a record of sadness or neutrality, very seldom does it keep happiness. It can't be saved for later. You have to cherish it, relish it, and enjoy it. There and Then. I wanted to write other things, I wrote other things. Such is life. No. Chaos.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Let it

Let the world burn I do not care for it anymore. Let it burn and I won't be there. I would rather die than burn with this world.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

May Be A Way

People often say that you have to please the society. Keep the society in mind. What will the society say. I always wonder why don't they realize that they are the society. And if its not them then they are trying to please some nonentity that does not exist. They are trying to do something that should not be done, need not be done. It is a futile activity. There are social boundaries. A cost for living in a collective society. But that does not mean that we sacrifice our personal values just for the sake of society. I am not talking about morality or ethics. No. I am talking about the little things. How you keep your hair. How you interact with the certain people. We Don't Always have to bow. We do not always have to say yea sure why not. Anarchy may be a way.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Chasms to be Crossed

And one more love song, just one more hit
And after that I will be sick -
Falling Down in a pile
I think I am burning like a Pyre -
Of all the things that I mistook
I forgot you were a crook -
Walking talking, like a liar
I hope to make a great big fire -
And all my friend and all my lore
They seem so lost upon the shore -
And In my thoughts, I am just lost
There are still chasms to be crossed

 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Friday, September 14, 2012

Intrumentals

You know how some songs have vocals that entice you and enchant you. And then there are songs that need no vocals, the instruments alone are enough to enchant us. Instrumentals they are called in western music. I do not know what they are called in the eastern musical schools, neither do I want to find out. I find these more beautiful. The eastern musicians figured out the beauty of instruments long ago and they even invented an instrument to remove the human vocals all together. They invented the Sarangi. A beautiful instrument that can mimic the human voice under the impressions of a master. But this is a topic for some other time, right now I want to focus on instrumentals. They have a beauty of their own. They are universal because they are not bound by language. You can understand them, nay you can feel them deep within you stirring in the heart. Resonating with the body, creating a rhythm. But they fall short of the soul; All instruments do, But instrumentals do not. Nature has instrumentals too, I used to hear them. I miss those sounds that the silence of the night had. I do not mean this in poetic terms, no. There actually were sounds in the silence of the night. Searing through it, tearing at it, trying to push it away. Then there would be a sound that did not do that. That sound, it merged with the night, it touched the soul. That sound, that one sound, it rhymed with the soul and made music unheard, unseen. Those instrumentals I want to hear now as an adult. I heard them when I was a child, I guess all children heard them. But Now, I would appreciate it even more. They are sounds of the ether itself, merging with us and making us feel. Emotions and feelings that have long since been buried, things that we hid but must face in order to grow. That is the beauty of Instrumentals, they feed us and we grow.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Death

Embrace it, grace it; it graces us. It is a truth from which you think you can run. It has wings and you just legs. It is a truth which you vehemently deny. You deem it a lie, a weakness. It completes us and gives us purpose and drives us. How boring would be a world where nothing ever died. Beauty would cease to be and pleasure would wane. Such an existence is pointless. Whenever I write about death, I lose my objectivity. Things blur but it may not be normal. But normal is boring and it is over rated. It is just a way to prevent us from appreciating the truth like death. It is not a phenomena that occurs like scientists say. It is not a god, oh no it is too simple to be a god. It is death plain and simple. But it is not boring. Oh no, By no means is it boring rather it is intriguing, it is alluring, it is callous, it is cunning, it is vivid, it is detailed. It is so much more than just an idea, it is a perfect idea. It is not death that we fear, we fear its beauty the overwhelming truth. We all see it and we all try to ignore it but no good comes from it. People think they won't die, now that is just provocative. Death is beauty, it is sentient, and It will punish you for not acknowledging its beauty. More so if you think you can best it, in the end death wins. It has till eternity so it will be beautiful till the end. We, we fade and rush towards death. It will embrace you, you just have to wait for it and it will embrace you. try to run from it and it will hunt you. Even in its cruelty death is so beautiful. It is horrifying, barbaric, monstrous; but then again it has a grace, a poetry of its own. Embrace it, grace it; It is death.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Ego

The Ego. Deemed to be dangerous. In the east, the ego is deemed as a dangerous part of any person capable to destroying that person completely. In the west, it is praised but only when controlled. Uncontrolled, the west too terms is monstrous. I only recognized this recently. My ego. It is an integral part of me. It is what holds me together. I have certain unconventional ideas, that often. Earn me. More enemies than friends. My ideas I like. I have to protect them. That only viable mechanism is to prevent them from becoming known. But then. What is the use of such an idea that cannot be used. My idea are unconventional. My understanding of the ego is the same. It is huge. Monstrous even. But is does not have a form. It is not a solid blob of my psyche. No. It is a huge web. That binds. Holds me. It contains me. The Ego. It helps us live through so many phases of our lives. We don't appreciate it enough. You can even find God there. Ego is not your self respect. It is not your belief in your abilities. It is your belief that you will survive the world. Fare against it. Its that voice that make you stare and say "Come at me!" Ego is not saying I am important. Ego is saying. I am me!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

That Place

You know that place where every thing is tangled. Every thought, just jumbles up. They are distinct. The thoughts. The ideas. But they are tangled. Now amongst themselves. No. They are tangled. Strangely so too. I think this the natural state. For me. Atleast. I don't know about other people. All those other places that I go to. I don't stay there long. I come back to this place. I am stuck.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Back

Staying up late, getting up late. Working without a schedule. I am back to that. Yes I am.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Eid Mubarak

Eid Mubarak to everyone!!!! Have fun!!! and even if you can't just smile

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Strange

I feel tired. I am. But a part of me refuses to believe it. To a part of me. It is strange really. Also, in other news.  Eid is near. I met some nice people. Not met. Just found out they exist. So. My eyes are burning.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Saturday, August 11, 2012

A Part of Me

Sometimes I think about the disparities of the world and the incivilities prevalent there in. The burden that these thoughts have on my soul. Woe and despair. This is all that comes of mind. With a millions dying and thousands suffering these thoughts sometimes drive me to the brinks of humanity. And then I think about all the choices that I have made and it turns that I was not so different. In gloom and blight, perpetually stayed the evil. All about me. And then for once I think that the world will change and the plight of the millions may end. But to no avail, is any change. Or so may be it seems to me. The only real remedy is yet to be found. Until then, then I shall lead my life in a disparaging manner.

~ the other me

Monday, August 6, 2012

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sirs, Adieu

The last time you said I need to behave properly around you. I wondered and pondered. About how you had gestured. And how you had labored. To keep me away. Had all that strength. And Labor. And will. Been invested in something without ill. Songs would have been sung about you. Or at least a reputable mentioned made. You invited me to that social event. And I knew it was unmeant. Your company I liked. For there I could be. Me. But if my masks I have to wear. And my demons' form I have bear. In your presence too. Then sirs. I bid adieu. These powers of mine. I can combine. To earn some worldly profit. And thus I opine. I should assign. My presence. To worldly lords and tyrants.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Dark Place

There is this dark dark place in the corner of my mind which I visit often. The problem is not with the dark place. It is a part of my personality. An integral part. It is the manner in which I visit that is the problem. I need to learn to control that.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Prove to Me

Prove to me that you are not a figment of my imagination. I always ask people. With whom I find common ground with to do so. It reassures me. Of something. Of What. That I do not know. I am selfish like that. But I am. And so. I must. Ask you again. You. Yes. You. Prove to me that you are not a figment of my imagination.

Monday, July 23, 2012

To Work or Not to Work

I went job hunting today kinda. I am in no mood for a serious job right now. Normal jobs they do not pay well. Not at all. I like my work. I think I will continue down with it. Some people are of the opinion that this work falls within the black area. Then they define certain conditions which if satisfied would make this thing fall in the white area. To hell with that. I am happy with the greyishness of the while affair. Also. I get to do what I like. Well at least one of the things that I like. I just resent the fact that I wasted valuable time that I could have spent sleeping. Oh well. I'll just find a replacement and excuse myself from there.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Ramzan

This is the longest fast I have had in my whole life. 15 hours. Seriously. I was lucky that my first dozen Ramazan's or so did not come in the summers. I really am trying to focus on the spirit of the month. But seriously, I cannot. I cannot focus. All day long, I was like nothing. Then suddenly I felt hungry. Now I am too full. Prayed and whatnot. But the spirit of the month still alludes me. I know the spirit. Its just that I do not feel it. Lets hope and pray we all do.

Friday, July 20, 2012

7/11

So yea. I restarted my work. Sort Of. Now I'll be on the computer even longer. Not that I go away from. I am here almost every hour. Just now. I will be even more here. What was I going to write. This is happening a lot to me these days. I think of something. Then it vanishes. The indecisiveness. It really is becoming an issue. For me. Too much. I cannot decide upon anything significant. My brain won't start working. It should. Now. Like a 24 hour shop. Without any holidays. I could use some good thoughts to think. I mind is. At present. In a state of nothingness. It thinks nothing.

I have decided... NOT

I will give the CSS exam hopefully. And then when I pass. I will become a bureaucrat. And if I do not pass. I may be contacted by someone saying how I was cheated out from what was rightfully mine by the right of being born. And yada yada blada blada. I got an email like this when I gave the IBA entry exam. I did join. Some Issues. But that email was fun. I may will get one like that in CSS. I do hope I do not. That is the issue. This is absolute mind-f****y. I cannot decide. I have never ever been able to decide. The lack of decisive power has dealt me a great deal of misery. From the wrong choice of hair style to actual real world problems. I kinda sorta hate it. But I do not do anything about it. It may be a problem with me. May be problem. Mental perhaps. Or Physical that manifests in lack of decisiveness. Girl I like. I can not for the death of me tell her. Girl I repulsively hate. I tell her I like her. Tie I love. I do not buy. Tie I hate I buy. I mean. What is wrong with me. Things I do not want to write about I write. Things I do want to write about I do not write. Instead of showing the world how narcissistic I am. I want to write my thoughts on the current world affairs. So that the future generations can know that. There were some people who knew that this is some fucked up shit. Off topic. The issue being. I cannot decide anything. I go out to eat. I cannot decide what to eat. I know this is some kind of an issue. I know I manifest ADD/ADHD symptoms. But just symptoms. Person with this cannot, simple CANNOT write a post this long at a stretch. Also, they cannot do tedious boring freelancing. Oh well. Erfindergeist I am.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Books

I am going through them at a monstrous rate. I need to do some other work so that I can enjoy books for a little longer.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Smear

Turn the world to ashes right,
Before the black sun shines bright,
The rivers are all covered in blight,
No one is there to hear your plight,

With your face you once had frowned,
Now your bones must be ground,
With your body being drowned,
Pale and scared you run around,

Your thoughts now nothing but fear,
Screaming voices are all you hear,
Dread now look it draws near,
Your hollow soul is nothing but a smear.

Bad Debts

I hate it. I hate it. I incurred a bad debt. It is sad. Really. No more will I lend money to those who appear to be in need. Not until they have their fingers cut off and a pound of flesh missing will I lend them money. And that too will be legalized with the paper work and all.

Criss Cross

People become very cross with me. When they ask for money and I refuse. Then they become cross again when I ask them to repay me. Why is it so hard. For People to pay back what they owe. I have been called Rude. Inconsiderate. Inhuman. And even Ungrateful. For asking my money back. I feel very crossed at that point in time. Then again. What can I do. What I usually do. But still. Its money. It affects friendships. It affects mine at least. Especially when you offset my amount. Also when you say you are not going to pay since you don't want to. It is a measly little sum. But it is a sum. Also. I am never lending money again. I thought of a good curse too. "I hope you need money and no friends lent you and the banks refuse. And you have to borrow from a soodi pathan. Then you can't pay him back. And phr who aap k saath ko ziadti kary" No wait. This is pointless. Its just Money. Just Money. It is. It is. Or Is It?

Monday, July 16, 2012

Dosay

Ami made Dosay. And they are awesome. Also. Paserette. And Idli. They are awesome too. And with the right mix of chutnis. Words cannot describe.

Also, It seems that it is about to rain. It did rain in the morning. And it should rain now. Its almost  dark here.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Mine to Keep.

Being by the sea made me understand one thing. That lesson is mine to keep. Just remember it though. Something can always be learned from the sea.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Shingdings and Me

I looked into Tarots, they are a good pass time. But with the limited amount of people who do that shit. It is a bit difficult to find someone good. Then I looked into Spirit Animals. A blogger inspired me to do that. Its too vague though. Every one has their own meaning of each Spirit. I mean decide already. While I like uncertainty. This is not uncertainty. This is plain confusion. So I decided. Back to my old interests. Not the other ones. They are dangerous. And. Also I do not have resources for that. Even though they are of a literary nature. So. I will just go an study demonology. I can't study magic. Its forbidden. Explicitly. But Demonology is not. Albeit. I will have to study the Christian version. The Islamic version is against the basic tenants of the faith. So yea. Christian Demonology it is. I would prefer to go out and enjoy. But due to prior activities (mostly office and a bit of studies) my social connections have been badly damaged. They will take time to repair. Till then Demonology.

PS: A tie as a birthday gift. How does that sound?

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Spirit Animal and the Weather

Bear. That is my spirit animal. I gave a quiz for that. How disappointing. I thought I would have to get high or track through this desert. Or wander the city from dawn till dusk. Also. I thought I would get a mythical spirit animal like one of Cthulhu's minions or the something similar to that. Oh well. Bear it is.

An in other news. The weather is simply amazing here. Wait. Was yesterday. I did not rain. But it was almost about to rain. Like that. There was also slight wind. I had my paper. The University of Karachi. It took me 27 minutes to get to the department where my exam was being held. Since the weather was good. I noticed. That there were some very beautiful buildings there. Also. There were benches. I never saw them before. And also trees. Meticulously planted. Wildly overgrown trees. I never noticed them before. In a nice weather. It does look good. Rain. What would have made it awesome. But Still. I was tres-awesome.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Cookie Monster - Share It Maybe

Awesome-ness redefined... Also, I fell in love with my childhood again XD

Little *******

People think its easy to lie to me. Especially my younger cousins. They think they are smarter than me. They think they can hide stuff from me. Their habits. Their actions. Those idiots ignore one thing. One basic thing. I am the elder here. I have done and I never got caught. There is a reason I am scared of my elder brothers. Especially the two which have never ever been caught doing anything wrong. Like ever. They are that freaking good. Consequently, I try to avoid interacting with them. You see. Because I know that they know what to look for while looking for anything. I don't lie to them. I keep shut. I do whatever they want me to do. And then poof, I am gone. The smart ass cousins who claim they are elders but have been caught a couple of times. I do not give a damn about them. They can't catch me. But the good ones. They are dangerous. I lack their experience. But I know a few tricks. And my little cousins think they are sooooo freaking smart. Its kinda pitiful really. Lets see. Also, since I have not told these secrets to anyone. They think they got away with these. Sad little scums. One just lied about an entry exam. I mean bhenchood kisay chutia samjha hoa hai... It actually drives me mad. Kinda. Another tried to frame me last time. Those little fucktards.


PS: Also tarot readers in this city are time consuming and money gobbling. Neither of which I can afford at this moment.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Tarrots

I should be studying for my paper tomorrow. But I am bored witless. My head hurts and I am in no mood to study. So. I just wander about. On the net. I hit this site. While visiting a blog. About tarrots. So yea, I get mine read. Its a logarithm based enumerator really. Back to the point. It was like. Oh Fuck. Thats true. Wow. Yea thats true too. Then it hit me. FUCK NO! abstractions. Things people would like to hear. Like one card read I have a sensual body. I know what I have. I do not find it sensual. In any way. A six pack and a firm diaphragm. Now that would have been sensual. You know the one those deep sea divers have. Then it also said I like to please people and would do anything to please them. I like to please people. But only until they got something for me. As soon as my incentive dies. I screw them over. Not always. Recent events being an example. The events of tonight and the night before yesterday including. And. It also had. Oh wait. I can't recall. My head hurts like hell. Lack of Sleep maybe. I'd love to get a reading though. From a "professional". Then I'd bash them for a wrong analysis. My mother took me to some reader once. I don't remember what that guy was. He told my mother I am innocent little boy, very gullible. Oh yea. I am gullible. Extremely gullible...

Dear future me. Remember. Friday night. Two nights back. What was it. Yea. Friend's sister's wedding something. Tonight too. Didn't want to go. Remember. He thinks you didn't have the courage to face her (not the sister, that girl). And for today, no courage to face him. You know the real reason. Future me. I hope you are more adapt when you read this. Also, I hope you got that cake cause I ain't working at the moment. Also, stats is hard. I am gonna pass this hopefully. Don't get in this mess again.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Corporate ****

I don't want to be one. I lack the inhumane drive to be one. I just want my cake and I want out. Although, to get my cake I will have to become one. And then if I become one then I do not get the cake. This is a conundrum, ain't it?

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Addicted

I get addicted easily. To words. Woven in a beautiful manner. Crafted as if a part of nature. Sung as is a song from the soul. I get addicted to them. That is not a normal addiction. I think. But there must be other addicts. Its just that its hard to find them. Too hard. I miss some words. Other I have grown accustomed to not existing anymore. Words. I am addicted to them.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Narcissistic Much

I have reached a conclusion. I am not narcissistic. Rather I am an amplification of the norm. Let me put it in a better perspective with a few examples.

-You and your friend are being chased by zombies. You sacrifice yourself to save your friend. I'll sacrifice my friend to save me. My survival instinct is that strong.
-You and a guy are running away from a horde of zombies. You trip the guy to save your arse. I'll not only trip him. I'll also break his legs to ensure my safety.
-You spend the day with the friend doing their chores and then you think you have done your part. I'll spend the day do their chores and then know I have done more than enough.
-You bend the rules here and there and think you can get away with it. I'll fuck the rules and get away with it.
-You are sent my a friend to another friend to calm the situation down. You go there and talk a bit about yourself and more about the problem. I just talk about myself.
-You keep secrets my telling them to congregation of people. My secrets, I'll take to my grave.
-You think I may not trust you. I fucking don't.

See, I am a normal person amplified mentally. I have more anxiety. I am more angrier. I feel more sadder. It is also one of the few reasons why I can't experience a full range of emotions. I am not among the top cream. I am average. Slightly above it. That is all. You have not seen sociopaths. That is why you opine that I am one. You have not seen selfish people. That is why you opine that I am one. Also, you have not seen the truly demented. That is why you opine that I am one. The thing is. While I have seen the shadow of the world, and I see it everyday. You do not even have an idea of what the world truly is.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

The Ideal Time

I have been minding my own business. I have been doing good deeds. I haven't sworn in a while. And only a few people are pissed off at me. It couldn't have been a better time. This would be the ideal time to go.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Torn Apart

I am torn. All the wisdom I ever gathered. It seems lost. I cannot remember a word of what I have read. I hint of what I learnt. That is how lost I am. I am lost within my own mind. Like a slave of my own self. However, instead of needs, wants, desires. I am lost within a hollow self. There is nothing. Just darkness. Crushing. Grinning. Congesting. Darkness. Around me. I am a victim of my own design. Or fates Design. I never know. I say I believe in fate. And that I rely on it. But the truth be told I try to master my own destiny. I try to earn my own keep. I say I believe in chaos. But every step I take is an attempt to avoid it. I think. I am lost. In my own lies. I have told them to myself so often that I have forgotten what the truth was. I write. Not to share my thoughts. Nor do I write to spread my ideas. The objective of my writing is simple. It is meant to preserve a piece of me. Me. That is all my writing serves. The demons they lay asleep again. The masks all tattered and broken. My heart is not shattered glass. Rather my mind is torn apart.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

No Think

Any doctors in the house? Quacks, Pseudo-Doctors, even Witch doctors will do. I just need a prescription for something that can stop me from thinking. I think a lot. A lot. And I mean A lot lot. Its like. I do nothing but think. I am fed up of this thinking. It causes stress. Tension. It may cause me to die earlier than usual. I don't want to die. Or do I. That is not the point. I want to stop thinking just for the day. You know. Something the popping of which will make my mind go blank. I can run scenarios, simulations. What the fuck not in my mind. Its wonderful. And all that. But seriously, its too much tension. I can not take that much stress. I need to stop thinking. How do I do that. Please help. I learned that. Then I forgot! Anything will do.

Let me try to be vague...

So yea. Just because I said you are great to make you pay for that tea does not make you great. Just because I say you are awesome and rich, just to ensure that you don't run away with my money does not mean I think you to be whatever I said you are. To you. Dude. Especially to you. Most of the things I have said are lies. No. Wait. Almost all of them are. I mean c'mon your IQ isn't even half of mine and you think you can beat our combined IQ. Dude our combined IQ crosses 300. You have like a 60 or 70-ish IQ level. Dude I lied. Get over it. I am not being personal at this point. But I will be. It won't take me long. You pride on being what you are, I am proud of what I am. And you do not want to see what I am. Also, I do what I want to. I am in no mood for justifying myself. What I did not say to them, I will say to you. And I do not want to do that. You still have to pay me 500bucks. Cough that up and then I will tell you the whole story, including the dirty details. Of course its not my story, mine is different. But it does concern you. Yea. I am about to get personal. ...

I think I have anger management issues. Or something to do with social situations.... I should have gone to a proper university. That would either have ironed these issues out of me. Or I would have gotten them beaten out of me. Seriously. The above is what I want to say. But I can't. I don't like confrontations. I avoid them. Like a ninja. And I am not even near a ninja. Physically speaking. I either avoid or go all in. And then I do not stop. Until someone stronger stops me. I have even gone against bigger people. Not a good thing. That inability to handle socially awkward situations. It bad. Also the above is to be said to a dude so is pestering me to call him to tell him why I resigned. What the hell is wrong with people... I think I'll get a human diary. Tell it everything and then hope it doesn't blabber everything out. This way. I can avoid odd blog posts and real life conversations.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Stuck

I am stuck in this strange place. Its between feeling happy and depression. Between anger and Joy. Its like. Its confusing. I should make a human dairy then burn it just symbolically show my state of mind.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Leaving the Past Behind

I takes me sometime. To forget things. To get over things. You know. But once I get over them the world be dammed.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Resignation

I gave my resignation yesterday. With a one day notice period. It was good. A little bit of drama from the section head. Nothing else. Today was the last day. In the morning, the manager comes in and asks me if I withdrew my resignation. I ask why would he say that. He says he does not have it any more. I am like, sir don't joke about it. He's like I am not joking. He order me to go find it. I go. Not there. I come out. A lacky comes and asks if I have the copy of the resignation which is lost. It hit me. How the hell did he know. No one knew. Only me and the manager. OH well. I think. I go to the PC. Type another one. Print. Give it to the manager. Take the receiving. I am done. I walk out the door at the day end. Made a lot of contacts. More than I would have made if I had stayed. It was a good run while it lasted. I am happy. Freaking Happy. Also. I got selected for a organization. And another position opened up.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Screw It

Lets screw the world you and I. Lets not give a damn. And. Do it. I feel free. The drama. The politics. They are not for me. Corporate ratism. Hate it. Its bad. I decided to quit. I'll upload a copy of the letter. Once I get it received. And till the time you give me wings to fly. I'll run. Come to my side. Or. I won't fight. I will burn the world. But not with you in it. Stand by me. Fly with me. A feather. Is heavier than my heart. But. I still cannot fly. I need you to give me wings.

Also, yea I quit. I'll resign kal. Last day Friday. IA. One day notice period and all. So. You up for some fun?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Quit?

To quit or not to quit. This bloody job. I was happy unemployed.The section head yelled at me for a good 30 mins. Then. He assigns me to the sucky project. FUCK!!!!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Project

I have been assigned on a special project. Since my senior could not complete it. I have been sent there. It should be noted however that I will not be leading the project. I will be the help. Just like my senior. We were selected. At least I am. Not because of my skill. But because of my dispensibility. Yes. It is exactly what you read it to be. The old man in charge of a project. He is an old man. Loads of experience. Nothing to show for. Likes to exert age and position. Enough said. No?

I just wanted to say that if I do not post in the next few days on a continuous basis. Think I have died during the course of the project. Also, if you know me personally. Know there will be Mutton Biryani on the first day. Prawn Biryani and Fried Fish on the second. Korma and Nan on the third. For close friends. On the second day there will be dosas and cheelay for breakfast. Nihari for dinner. On third day, pesaret and idli for breakfast. Dalcha and papar for dinner. That be all. I think. For now. It seems.

PS: I found out today
PSS: Today was/is a Sunday.

How to Lie

People sometimes find it difficult. Almost impossible to do. I do not get why. Lie. Just lie. Little Children lie. Although its damn easy to catch them. For me it is. At least. Also. People pretend they do not lie, but they do. The drink you refused saying you are not thirsty. Its a lie. These and others. Lies. But how do you lie successfully. Success. Is not the ability to spout the lie. It is the ability to tell it convincingly. Let me tell you. How to.

A lie is not a lie. It is the truth.
It is not a collection of distorted facts. It is an epic saga.
You do not tell it. You feel it.
You do not owe anyone anything. Remember that.
Somethings should be told in great detail.
There are parts that are not that important. Skip them.
The listener should feel you, more than they hear you.
There is always a prelude. Pray do tell.
Never. Never. Never get caught.

Spread the Love.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

In Order

Turns out a little break is all I needed in order to get my mind in order. Well any one would freak out. When you are told you have to come to work on Sunday since you cannot be called on Saturday due there being an official company picnic on that day. Bloody Picnic. Ruined a perfect weekend to ruin by calling people to work. When I say in order, it implies there is not a plan. With phases and steps. But seriously man. No break after papers drives you mad. Especially if all your friends are having fun. You have another batch of papers in a few weeks. And you work in a life draining job. It is like the job is designed to suck the life away. Hmmm. I may have to become a vampire to sustain my self. Or torture an intern if I am given one. Torture an intern it is.

Also, Prawn Biryani today at home. 

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Plan.

You know what. I am going back to my original plan. To hell with it all. I am living in a FML moment. And it isn't even a moment. It is a perpetuity. The alternative is not good either. But is not leaving me any choice. What must be done must be done. But this must be done to do that. What is wrong with this world. I just want it to end. I just want it to end. Be over with it. That anguish. It lurks. Deep within the mind. It be me. Me. Me. All me. All I see is me. The masks they changed. No they didn't. The set did. This is not that set. This is that set. The damned one. The one that they hate. The others. They just had one damned. These. These are all damned. They make me, ME. Smile at anger. Laugh at pain. Pleasure in agony. Anguish to gain. The rage. No more. No more. It has no place to be. The demons they did it. They made me do it you see. No. What am I saying. There are no demons. Just me. They called them demons. These are the real me. Another side is yet to be seen. The most frightening. The damned of them all. It be cursed. I have not been that in a long long time. But now. I will be. That is all I can be. That about the others. They are there too. They are unharmed. I love what I am. People say they lead secret lives. That they are different in reality from what they are on the internet. The internet has no face. I am different in reality. From what I am in reality. And there is just one reality. To you I am Me. To you I am me. And. To you too I am me. That is what I am. An amalgam. But I can be read. People who read me scare me. They see me. And me. And me too. That scares me. See what I show you. Not what I show you. Or you.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Resolution

I just got home. I resolved to sleep early once the exams ended. It seems this is only a distant memory. Also, work. I have a feeling it is going to be hectic the coming few months.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

I'm gonna fight em all, A seven nation army couldn't hold me back..... Back and forth through my mind, behind a cigarette... Every one know about it, from the queen of england to the hounds of hell...
Just amp up that Bass...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

News

In other news. I gots free. No wait. Not this one. In other news. It rained. Yaaaayyy. Well it drizzled. No not even that. It was like some one accidentally turned on the faucet. And then quickly turned it off. Lo and Behold. With the first few drops of rain. The bloody power went out. I did do some chores in that time. Then pondered about the impending doom. But the real news is. Was. That it rained. After ages and ages. It rained.  

Free???

I am free. For only couple of hours. Then its the office. Oh well. Back to work. My heart cries tears of blood. The streets run red. And the sky is yellow. The scorn of the heathen gods is not so mellow.

Wrong

Something is wrong with me today. Read two horrory stories and nothing of the course. Tomorrow be the last paper. Then a break of about 2 weeks before another series of papers starts. On other news. Friend saw a killing. Now he is freaked.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Hell Bound

I could not pull an all nighter. Too tired. Too sleepy to continue. And I still have a significant number of these IFRSs left to read. And only got only day. I am going to hell for this. And if I am not. I am sure on of my friends will condemn me along side them. Oh well. Adios cruel world.

Torn

For some reason. I cannot get myself to finish this reading part. I planned to get rid of theory tonight. So. I could start with the practice part kal. Tomorrow is the only day I have left. After that. There are no more days left. Day after tomorrow. Paper. I need to attempt it. I know I can still pass it. If. If I just study. But. Deep in the harrowing depths of my heart. Mind. And Soul. I cannot do it. Failure is inevitable. But If I pass. It becomes awesome. WTH!!!

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Hyper Inflation

People. Listen to me. I am a student of economics. Not by virtue of ACCA. No. Its got nothing to do with economics. Although. It does pretend like it has a relation. It does not. But I am a student. I am doing my masters in Economics. So listen to me when I tell you. We. The Pakistani nation are not going through HYPER INFLATION. We are NOT. This is a walking or moderate inflation. Ask any economist. All the Pakistani people out there crying a river that they are living in a Hyper Inflated country. Go ask the people from the African Nations (except for a certain few, which are doing quite well). They are living in hyper-inflation. Somalia. Check their inflation rate. In 2008, Zimbabwe had a 2,000,000% inflation rate. THAT IS HYPER-FUCKING-INFLATION. So stop being a nation of bigots. Thank God and do something if you do not like the current state of affairs.

On a related note. The next person who talks to me about this country being in a hyper-inflation. Just talk to me about it.

A Off Day

Being that tonight is one of the Holy Nights for Muslims. And I being one myself. I should be happy. But considering the fact that I am not a strict practitioner of the faith. I am indifferent. However. I am upset. Since it is a Night of worship and prayers. Monday morning is suppose to an off day. A Vacation. But since I am already on my exam preparatory leaves. A cannot avail this vacation. And given the fact that I am not a labourer. I do not get compensatory vacations. Sad as it may be. I am upset that I missed a vacation. Utterly Shameful. And what not. But. At least I did not lie. At least I get one good deed.

Coke Ad

This one. I really really like. This is inspiration.


 

Rerunning Scenarios.

I want to write something. Anything. But right now. My head is rerunning scenarios. With different variables being slightly altered. Sadly. Even in the scenarios in my head. I seem not to be able to pass this paper. Corporate Reporting. Such a flashy name. From the name. It sounds like people who pass this paper become were-hounds. But after some practical experience. I can tell. They remain rats. At best we can become dogs. Were-creatures. That is a whole different game. And there. There is no one. Absolutely no one to protect you. You are just alone. But not lonely. You have armies to fight. With Demons Lords at your command. Oh the fun. On the despair said. Nothing to despair of dread.

On an unrelated note. It turns out I have been inhaling thing that have china grass in them. Is that a bad thing? 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Printer and Blood Feud

I need to buy a printer. Badly. My older two broke down. They were old. Also. I need a scanner. Just cause. Also. Studying online. And reading notes online. Is difficult. I have not studied a word. I been watching the Prince of Bel-Air the whole day. Also. Elder Cousin. No not blogging that. He may be one of the secret followers. If you are. Blood Feud it is. Brother. May only the strongest stand. And inherent whats left after.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Paper

They still left. Well one is. I sat down in the bloody examination hall. One of my brothers friends beside me. All damn serious. A few rows away. One of my friends. We look at each other. Share that look. And break into a hysterical silent laughter. After he's done. My friend begs for God's forgiveness. Silently. Paper comes. I look at it. Know question 1. WTF is that. On Q 2. Know Q3. WTH. Q4. Write write write. 30mins. One part left. Thinking. Thinking. Looking around. Hot girl from last paper. Cannot see her. Oh well. Moving on. Suddenly Idea Strikes. I solve the question on the calculator. Voila. Its an answers with a 65% chance of being wrong. What the heck. Write write write. Done with paper. Go out after tedious paper collection process. Outside. Friend asks about paper. Solving every question expertly on calculator. Another friend comes. That not the write answer man. I am like ....!!!! Oh well. FISH.

Write now. I am trying to forget what I learned. To make room for the corporate reporting paper. I missed classes of that one too. Paper on Tuesday. Plenty of time. I just hope the paper comes easy. And then the dreaded job. But before that. I trip to either nandos or cinnabon.

Reading a message

My brother reading one of them SMS NEWS alerts sent to him by one of his friends, "kahain pay 1 maragay, aur 6 zakhmi... oh nae nae, ghr k pass hoa hai... ye kahao gay *pointing towards the nimco*"

Herp. Derp. And...

People read about Herp and Derp. I personally know Terp.

On the study side. I am calm today. Reminds me of the meme. Not sure If I studied enough or I simply don't give a fuck anymore.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

My nerves are Calm

My nerves are calm,
My hands steady,
I'll tell her now,
To be mine just be ready,

My nerves are clam,
My hands steady,
Bow before the world,
My pride is dead already,

My nerves are calm,
My hands steady,
I am about to kill a man,
No sweat I am ready...


Dafuq did I just write... I was gonna write a funny poem to show my state of despair pertaining to the exam that is on about 2hours. That is it. No more blogging till the exams end. Or till I get a gap.

Ready I Am

Throw your soul through all that is despair,
Then look around and search for life so fair...

Presently I am like all set for the paper. 3 black pens. One steel ruler. One trusty calculator. Now all that I gotta do is study for the critter. And then again kal.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I See

I see things differently. Or at least I'd like to believe that. Otherwise. Its not a so good conclusion. That aside. I see things differently. I think people look at the world in colors. They like things in colors. Pretty Colors. Bright Colors. Flamboyant Colors. Attractive Colors. Unique Colors. They like. They love. By looking at these colors. To them. Black and White. They are colors too. I do not see it like that. To me. The world has colors. But I remove them. I strip it bare. All I leave are Black and White. These to me. Are shades. Not colors. I look at things in shades. And those with the shade of Gray I like. But there is an price to pay. Once I remove the colors. I can't fill them back up. I need to learn to do that. Put the colors back. From an ancient if I can. Gray. White. Black. Shades.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Adele - Rolling in the Deep

I am beginning to fall in love with soul... again. Adele.

Roll your soul throw every open door,
count your blessings to find what you look for,
turn my sorrow into treasured gold,
pay me back in kind...

Me Neither

Do you know what is love. Have you ever felt it. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a loved one. And drowned in the beauty they hold. Na, me neither. I can think up the most philosophical stuff during exams. Like. I should get my mum to make me annday ka halwa (Egg... just google Halwa, its a sweet dish I think) for breakfast kal.

On a completely unrelated notes. Dark. Dark tidings coming in. People are failing their papers like that. Jaisay barish mein patingay nae aatay, bilkul waisay fail ho rahy hain log. This was a friend's qualifying attempt. He failed. Section Head. Talked to him too. He said, "I'll study harder next time". I mean DAFUQ!!! So yea, I am nervous.

PS: I wonder whether I should use the nashtaliq script for writing urdu, or just continue with the roman one.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Scared II

Le me. Chillaxing under pretext of study. Watching old episodes of The Price of Bel-Air. When suddenly. Phone rings. Its a number. Dunno the caller. Le me picks its up. Its from the office. Inquiry about files. Le me tells location. Le me hangs up. Le me looks at time. Suddenly wild realization dawns. They were working on a Sunday at around 5pm. They must have went there 11-ish in the morning. Le me scared. I'll have to live through the same. Kill Me. NOW!!!

Epitome of Misery

That is what I am write now. A sad pathetic little being. An epitome of Misery. The girl I loved left me. My bank account is empty. The utility companies have issued warnings to me. Life in short is a mess. I am thinking of killing myself. But then. I think. What if the knife isn't sharp enough to cut through me. Due to fuel shortage no vehicles on the road. So. No point in jumping in front of one. Jumping off a bridge is an option. But the water beneath probably dried up. So. I can't drown. I think my bank account had something to do with my love life. And the utility companies. As long as it was full. She was with me. And apparently was happy. The utility companies didn't bother me. Life in general seemed pleasant. If only she would come back. I would have a reason to live. If one I had a little money I would ride down to her place and beg her to come back. Yes. That would be better.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I may not be an epitome of misery. I may not even be in misery. But I am looking for distractions. Last week, I even... Lets just leave that part out. It may come back to haunt me later. So. As I was saying. I may be a paradigm of misery. No not that. I feel miserable. Because of my papers. This feeling of anxiety. This feeling of pain. Its bitter. A loved one leaving you for another person. That feeling is not even close to this feeling. I need a distraction. Then again. I need to study. What to do!!! Karoon tou kya karoon. Ex. Friends. I can iron my clothes. Paint the walls. Eat a cake. A cake. That is the thing for me at this point in time. Lets go and eat a cake. A chocolate mousse cake. Yes. That is the distraction that I need. Also. Dad's b-day today. With Tea. Or or. Ice Cream. Ummm. Cake or Ice Cream. Cannot decide. AAAAAhhhhhhhh. The books. The dreaded books. I need to see a shrink. Any aspiring shrinks out there? You can write your thesis on me.

PS: While the above the line story is not true. It does feel like a better alternative. To what I am going through. Also. Ice Cream. Cake. Shrink. Not joking about these.

That *****

He tricked me. He tricked me with his shaven head and that burger-ish puppy dog face. That little. I said no. Not on Sundays. Sunday mornings for family. Nae. Kuttay wala moun bana liya dash nay. Khari Mash ki daal aur parhathy bawanay thy ami say nashtay mein. Now I have to have breakfast out. Its all okay as long its a weekday. On a weekend. Why!!! Brunch. Okay good. Lunch. Good. Tea. Yea Okay. Dinner. Perfect. But not a breakfast. That little nugget headed nerd tricked me into agreeing. I'll deal with it kal ab. 

Damn, head is starting to hurt for some reason. My timetable. I fell behind. Its on a rigid. Its an outline. But still. Now I need to read through at least 40 questions before the sun rises... Pray for Me.... 

Illuminati I or II (Dont remember which)

The point of this post is simple. It is an assignment. The post will vanish in 22hrs and 31 minutes. Don't ask why. I just thought of it. The assignment. Discover the meaning of mylo xyloto. The new Cold Play album title. The songs. Some are good. Some ain't. That is not the point. The point is the title. The conspiracy theorist in me. Has been edging. For quite some time. But honestly I have been hard pressed for time. This title means something. What. That is what you have to discover. The first one to report back gets a cookie. Those who get caught by the masons or illuminati or even the local ghairat brigade. You are on your own. Submit the report at the local meeting point. Or IM me. I'll IM back the location. That is all. Start with your assignments.

Once upon a time somebody run,
Somebody run away singing as fast as they can,
I got to go...
Once upon a time we fell apart,
You are holding in your hands to halves of my heart.

PS: Also decipher the lyrics if you can.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Another Time

I can steal your words, I can see your lies,
Your loving gestures, And those hypnotic eyes,
I think I am drowning, Deep within your sighs,
Come on now look around, Just change your perception,
The world is full of colors, it isn't all deception,
What you wanted were glittering bones,
Maybe you never tired, maybe you never knew,
I can steal your words, I can see your lies,
That is when I said, Maybe baby another time.

Why Why Why

I wasted the whole day. Why. Nothing productive. Studies aside. I didn't even do any house chores. Sad. Sad. State of affairs.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Another Apology

To anyone who I have ever wronged. Unintentionally. Please please please please please. Forgive my mistake. Any mistake. Every mistake. I will be forever grateful. Your ever grateful. The guy who accidentally wronged you.

The Semi Colon

I think I broke the semi colon key on my laptop ;) The button is fine, but the key. It just won't go back. Now I got two options. One. Try to fix it myself. Two. Leave it and then when my brother returns from his college. Force him to fix it. Hmmm...

Breakfast

I am thinking of what to have for breakfast tomorrow. I can make something for me. But the week just started. It would be a cruel thing to do. Went out today. Kal. I think I will eat at home. Get a parcel of something. Parathy. With Eggs. Or Cream. Or simply tea. Hmmm. I can spend all night planning this. But for now. Parhai parhae parhae...  I am trying honestly. I even bought the books for it.

PS: I just remembered a conversation with a friend on the same issue this morning. Oatmeal or cereal for breakfast. I do not consider that a breakfast. It is a healthy snack. Nothing more.Another friend is of the same opinion. Although he thinks that if significant quantities of Cereal are consumed that may qualify as a breakfast. Half a box he says. I differ.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Don't Feel Like It

I don't feel like studying...

14 Days

That's how much time I got. 14 days. For vacations. 2 weeks. I feel free. On the off set. I got papers. Must study for them. 14 days. They are exam preparation leaves. An interesting fact. As per my employment contract I only get 15 days paid leave. So the next time I leave. I get t-1 days deducted from my salary. -1 cause I did not use that 1 day this time. That aside. I am going to study hard and have some fun. Starting with having breakfast with a friend after a long time. Oh, I just looked outside. The weather seems like it is going to rain. Halwa Puri it is.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

That Gecko

Are strange. And odd. There is a reason why I suspect that I may be suffering from schizophrenia. Or better yet. That I am simply mad. I see things. Not hooded figures. Or hunched old women. Or men with red eyes. Or shadows walking. I do hear things. But its mostly because of, there is a name for that. The structure of the building is such that sounds conglomerate at a point. That is not the point. I see things. Like a gecko running along the wall. Dogs fucking about. Drug addicts smoking in the corner. That guy being robbed on the side of the road. I see them. No else sees them. That is what irks me. I mean. Why me. You know what got me thinking. That little gecko baby that managed to climb atop the antenna of my wifi router. Why did I not see it climb. I only saw it after it was atop that. Dammit. Now it hid behind the table. Now the constant dread of it...

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Simple Really.

Life. Its simple really. You live. You Die. And in between. There is the little. The little stuff that accumulates into becoming the bigger stuff.  So simple. So adequate. Content. So, Life. It really is simple.


PS: I really really wanted to go some place with this. Either a dark and dreary place. Or a bright and cheerful one. But. This feels better.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Something is wrong with me

Something is seriously wrong with me. Yesterday I was bordering on madness. Today I am hung over her. Madness I tell you. Utter Madness. Tomorrow I will be hung over my work. What is wrong with me. Madness. I know it is because of the pressure. Come to think of it. Maybe she too was the result of stress. What if. What if. She was never real to begin with. She was just a figment. Of my imagination. Just something I created. Because of the stress. I think I finally went mad. I will have to change my blogger name then. No more Quarter to Insane. Plain simple Insane. But. Its not catchy. Not edgy. It is definitive. Too definitive. Hmmm... What about lunaticusindefiniticus. It looks scholarly. And oldish. I just may be able to pull it off. On second though. Papers are stressing me out. The job is draining me.

Stress relieving ideas, anyone?

Hero

Hero. Or rather a Heroine. That is what I need. No. Naa. No Heroine. Then she would change the rules. The rules cannot be changed. They make my world go round. They change. I break. I lose. Cannot afford to lose. The masks. The demons. The snake. The darkness. And Me. All must come together. Otherwise. Life. It stays a mess. Maybe. What if. I became the Hero. Changed the rules. Just a little. Enough to allow them to merge. A hero is not there. At the right place at the right time. No. A hero does not fight the system. No. A hero does not give hope. No. Then. What is a hero. A hero. Proves the exception to the rule. He proves. One man. One man can break the rules. Can change the game. One man. That is all that is needed to make a difference. That is the hero. One man to change the tide. One man to swing the scythe. One man to light it all. And let it burn to ashes. I just realized. I wrote something akin to what was written on the Sauron's Ring. Black Speech it was called. That language. Irrespective. My thoughts a cluttering again. Not a good sign. Not at this time at least. Hero. That is the objective.life

I just realized...

I just realized. Yesterday. I do not have the revision kit for the Financial Management Paper. Its simply a book which has solved  past papers. I have the study text. Today I realized. I do not have the revision kit for the Audit and Assurance Paper as well. I will buy that book too. Kal. InshAllah. That is the plan at least. These books. They must be bought. Or else I fail again. Darn books...

In other news. Office is life draining as usual. No time left to study. Or whatever I get. I spend on the internet.

Papers. The best time for self reflection. Darn.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Nothing

I thought of writing Something. Nothing came to mind. So I left it at that.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Not For Me

Love. As it turns out. Is something not for me. May be. I am not patient enough for it. Then again. Maybe. It just was not time for it. But then again. When is it time for it. Ah well, Life. It goes on. Hurt. I am trying to feel. Its just not that much. Either I was not true in the first place. Or I just do not feel it anymore. Neither is a good conclusion. I am more bothered. Why did they take me there. Surely, they must have known. Then. Why. Why. Why. Maybe a lesson. Love. Peace. These things. They may not be for me. Sad. This conclusion is. Then again. Embrace it.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Crazy.

You girl, are driving me crazy.

Trust.

The lack of it. That you have in me. That is what really enrages me. Nothing else. Just this. The lack of it. Trust.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Belief. Trust. Other than Her.

Belief. Something that I lack. About certain things. About other things. I have it. Engraved. In my core. Trust. Something that must be earned. They connect. Now I know. Belief. And. Trust. At some point. They become one. Without trust. There can be no belief. Without belief. There can be no trust. Apparently. I lack both. Trust. And. Belief. She. She does not have either in me. Or may be. They are there. I just do not see them. No. I can read souls. What are trust and belief. I should be able to see them. I see them. Dead. Or. Dying. Not alive. Why. Were they like this before me. I only know a few people who can do this. Kill an emotion so. Mangle it. Twist it. Make is unrecognizable. Thus. She pushes me away. Continuously. I am stubborn. So she says. Determined is what I know. I am not leaving away time soon. That much I know. Wait. She. She. She. Her. Her. She. Too much of her. There was a job. If I remember correctly. And there were studies. Where did they do. They too had a place in here. In my thoughts. Now its just her!  She is charming in her own way. She tests my patience. Again. And. Again. And Again. But then again. It is her.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Fallen

I may have fallen again. Again. My demons. I let them wake up. To destroy. To consume. They. Have a mind of their own. They lead me astray. This time. No destruction. No revenge. That is on their list. I know their list. They are me. But something else took priority. What is unique about her. There are others. But then. Why her. They are others. Others. Then why her. She asked me why. What am I to say. Without wings. I am a fallen.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Twitter

Some sick little fuck decided it would be more productive to block it here. That is Pakistan. First facebook. Now twitter. What is wrong with the people here.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Friday, May 18, 2012

Chasm

There is a chasm. In my heart. It appears to grow. Not my inches and foots. But by miles and knots. The chasm. It is dark. What lies within I cannot see. Clairvoyance. It has failed me. Empathy. Mutilated to suit the design. Has failed me. The variables are constant. It is just me who cannot gauge them. The variables are variables. They are not constants. Yet they remain the same. This is not chaos. This is anarchy. The chasm must be closed.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Bunked

Bunked work today. Needed a break. Work should not be the only thing in a persons life. Enough said.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Done With

I want this to be done with. I want this part to be over. I am not exhausted. My energies are not drained. But it just feels like a drain. A waste. You know when they put fillers in between awesome series with deep plot lines. This part feels like a filler. And the worst part. I cannot skip it. I cannot jump it. I cannot  choose not to watch it. I cannot flip the pages. I have to live through them. I want this phase to pass. I want to be done with this. To live life. A little. I held back. I think. Or rather. I'd like to think. I want to enjoy it more. I want to have time to stop. Look around. And. Then. Move one. Stop again. Look around. I have been running for quite a while. From quite a few things. A lot. I ran. From her. Now I want to run again. Now. From work. I want this phase to be done with. To end. To find. A moment of eternity. Or as William Blake put it...

To see the world in a grain of sand,
And heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour. 

Uncontrolled

They awaken. One by one. One after another. But the thing is. They do not awaken all together. If they did. They would be unstoppable. Once they do. They will be. For now. The breaks are good. The pressure is good. If I cannot take it. They come. I can bear it. So they slumber. But some awoke. And now they roam. Freely. Enough. I have been spending a lot. It is 15. And 70% of my meager earnings have evaporated. Vanished. Spent. On good things. Some not so good. But that was only a fraction of a fraction. The papers are drawing near. And the end of office is no where in sight. Sigh. Life. Its that complicated. I will have to wake another one up. This one on purpose. Deliberately. For a vacations. I wish he would wake up. Blight. Fire. Black in color. It appears so beautiful. So splendid. In my mind. Imagination. At times is better than reality.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

They. Must.

He grows. Stronger. But too strong. That would be a problem. He starts. Or maybe that part is me. He won't come after people. Until they are exposed. The actually weak. He disregards. They do not interest him. He looks for better opponents. Then. Maybe. Because it is. A preparation. He is getting ready.  That is the most difficult part. After that. There are only serious games. Actual threats. Not just assumptions. Rather. Past experiences. I found out he awoke. Tonight. When I was angry. He is from among the greater demons. Dangerous they are. They burn me. If I sleep. Now. That pleasure. I lose. They must be contained. Lest they consume me too. But. They cannot be contained. Irony. Dilemma. Maybe neither. They must awaken. Quickly. I must control. or I lose. Everything.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Iron - Woodkid

Deep in the ocean, dead and cast away,
where innocence is burned... in flames.
A million mile from home, I'm walking ahead.
I'm frozen to the bones, I am.

A soldier on my own, I don't know the way.
I'm riding up the heights... of shame.
I'm waiting for the call, the hand on the chest.
I'm ready for the fight... and fate.

The sound of iron shots is stuck in my head.
The thunder of the drums dictates
the rhythm of the falls, the number of deaths,
the rising of the horns... ahead.

From the dawn of time to the end of days,
I will have to run... away.
I want to feel the pain and the bitter taste...
of the blood on my lips... again.

This steady burst of snow is burning my hands.
I'm frozen to the bones, I am.
A million mile from home, I'm walking away.
I can't remind your eyes, your face.


~ The best thing I have heard in a week...

Sleep

Sleep. Its back. Not the demons'. Mine. Sleepy I am. I fell asleep twice already. Just like that. I have been feeling sleepy the whole day. I really do not know why. Must write so that I do not forget.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Optimize

Must Study. Must step up game. Getting better. But. Need to be. Quicker. Faster. faz

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Accidents

I have had two in the past three months. Both times. A rammed into something. I was not riding that fast. At a moderate speed. Around 70 kmph or 40 mph. The monetary damage. I borne the hit. So no issue. Physical damage. None whatsoever. Albeit. I was a bit shaken up from the adrenaline withdrawal. Reason for the accidents. Got distracted. Both times. Just for a fraction of a second. I hit the brakes both times too. But I end up ramming into the vehicle in front of me. I never ever bumped into a girl like that. Or a even a dude. Once a girl was about to bump into me. My friend pulled me out of the way. Another time a dude was about to run into me. I pushed him aside. Both times. Last second reactions. Avoided collisions. Why not on the road. Either some things wants me dead. Or some thing wants me alive. Either way. I have got to stop that. Not good.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

It would be fun

I just realized. Its not that I was ever bound. I always had people around me. Who would have been affected by my actions. That limited my movements. My thoughts too worked in a bind. Now. That bind is gone. There are no limits. And even if there are. They are not that strong. It is uncertain. No. It is definitive. It is hot. And humid. Rain would do nicely. If only it would. It should. It would be fun. Also long as I do not go sliding into a truck. Or a truck come sliding into me. It will be fun. Just Imagine. The bright moon. Suddenly. The sky is red. Followed by thunder. And then an ocean pours from the sky.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Malice

Another one awoke. Malice. Lets just call him that. He is not malice. Exactly. Rather a kind of it. Thereof. He is forewarned. We wields a short blade. I do not disagree with that. But. He hides it. Behind his back. Or he stabs them in the back. I do not remember which. Him I try to control. To the maximum extent of my will. My will. It is not that strong. Not any more. They are coming. Slowly. Steadily. One by One. They awaken. And they stand by my side. Malice be this ones name. He waits in the shadows to strike. He marks his enemies. But there are worse still to come. For ages I have kept them locked away. Now. I no longer have the will to hold them back. I did try. But Malice got out. Soon the others too will come.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Sorry

I am Sorry. I truly Am. For all I said. For all I did. For all I made you feel. I am sorry. From the depth of my heart. I am sorry. Please forgive me.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Conditioned

Pain. Trust. Rust. Scream. Dream. Dissolve. Evolve. I am used to it. I like it. It does not seem like work. Without pain. I do not feel love. If there is no pain. Pain. It work. It is just exhaustion. That is all I need. To be drained. Physically. In love. It is more complicated. Without pain. There is no love. Without betrayal there is no love. Sweet Poison. I have become used to it. It is. Addicting. The Ache. The Pain. It is all so sweet. I will gain skills. I will learn. That is what I do. But this. This is different. This. Pain. Trust. Dream. Evolve. Grow. I may change. And I hope I do. This addiction. Is sweet. But. It is dangerous. I feel the pleasure. Because I have closure. But what about the other.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Fear

Fear. A reminder. Of our weakness. Our inability to cope. Fear. A truth. Undeniable. It sits there. In the heart. On a deep rooted seat. It is natural. It is humane. It defines us. It is a part of us. The uniqueness that we possess. Fear is part of it. People hide it. They think they have hid it. It is dangerous. It is a false sense of security. Remember your fear. It gives you strength. She hid her fear. Or so she thought. It could be sensed. It could be felt. It is not what we think it is. It cannot be known. Unless. It stands in front of us. It cannot be faced. But it must be faced. Fear. It is with us. As long as we are.

Balkanize

Balkanize. A new word I learned. Its old. Now that I think of it. I think it came around the time of the Cold War. Or the Second World War. Not the point really. A political term. Used to describe the forced creation of Geo-Political divide between a race of people, or people in a region for that matter. I should a professor in some university. That aside. Balkanize. I read it like Galvanize. They have the same feel. Power. Flows through them. Divide. Protect. Balkanize. Galvanize. Are there more words like these?

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Wasted

Pain is what you cannot control,
All that I see is death untold, uncontrolled,
The heathen lords of a time forlorn,
Standby and watch, as fates unfolds,

The many turns and twists it takes,
This road is of a weak make,
The people here and their smiles,
They are all just simply fake,

Pain is what you cannot control,
All that I see is death untold, uncontrolled,
The heathen lords of a time forlorn,
Standby and watch, as fates unfolds,

Walking strolling down the lane,
What you feel is simply pain,
The path is worn with nothing to gain,
You lead your life as if a bane,

Pain is what you cannot control,
All that I see is death untold, uncontrolled,
The heathen lords of a time forlorn,
Standby and watch, as fates unfolds,

This world is worn out and old,
The people here are just too cold,
The end will come as foretold,
And their souls will pass un-condoled...

Friday, April 27, 2012

Parasites

They consume us. Then they move on. The ones outside. However. Are weak. They cannot hurt us. Unless. We let them. The ones within. They are strong. They too. However. Cannot hurt us. Unless we let them. Now I know why demons are hated. Demons are not to blame. Parasites are. Demons do nothing. Unless provoked. The parasites. On the other hand. Infest Ingest. And leave to rot. I need to get rid of some of these parasites.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Coils

Unwinding. Relaxing. It all seems to be working out. It appears that all of this is working out. But. No. Cannot relax. There are still chores to be done. The action is not yet done. Before the strike. It appears to relax. The coils. They appear to be undone. They are not. It is the false sense of security. Before the impending move. It will happen. For that. Before that. Cannot relax. Cannot rest. Must move quickly. Must move in a definitive manner. Definitive. It appears concrete. It hides a gap. A gaping hole. A chasm. I will succeed. I must.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Fire

I am obsessed with it. It is not an illusion. Nor is it an assumption. I am obsessed with it. Fire. The all consumer. The everlasting. Fire. People say it dies. It does not die. It goes away. That is all. It is not driven by hunger. But by purpose. It is not uncontrolled. It is control. Like Love. Unlike memories. It does not fade away. That is fire. A truth. Undeniable. Unshakable. I am amazed there isn't a god of fire. Even the baddest of smokes looks good. It feels good. At least while the fire lasts. It is only afterwards. After the fire is gone. That you realize. It was a waste.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Essence

Everything has an essence. The essence. It is the key. Reading it. Learning it. On the path of darkness. You manipulate it. That is the darkness. To twist and turn the essence. But that is not the objective here. Essence. It must be preserved. But is that demons want. The essence. It can be used to overwhelm us. It is used to overwhelm. Many people deflect. Some reflect. Other fight. Head on. All are right. It is all about survival. About preserving. Your own essence. She had a unique one. Unlike any I had seen. Or maybe I had not seen many. I am a quick learner. That much I know. But I slumber. That is how I protect my essence. I hide it. Deep within me. In darkness. But now is not the time to hide it. Hiding. Will vanquish it. It will be overwhelmed. Her essence. Something that must be forgotten. For now. But then again. It was beautiful. That is what I loved. Me. That is what must be saved now.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Break

Something that I need desperately. I have not taken an off day for three weeks. Today too, after class I hit office. I need to generate a gap. My talismans. They help. But would it be prudent. To take them. No. It would not be prudent. Foolish to say the least. Class and then office it is. My thoughts feel focused. But they are not. Another illusion among so many. I should have become a demon that time too. She would not have left then. If only. Whats done is done. Not again. Not here. Not now.

PS: the generous people gave me a sunday off ...

Irtiqa

I might appear obsessed. But. The truth is I am not. I just see them. They are everywhere. My demons. They are me. They also sleep. In a deep deep slumber. Like me. One woke up. And I tried. To sign a pact. He refused. Outright. He made a counter offer. A partnership. So he said. He will help me evolve. In turn. I feed him. Feed him. Its simple really. I eat. I grow. He is fed. That is all. In turn. I grow stronger. Stronger. Something that is tempting. But. Now, it is dangerous. I will be run over. Cannot eat defiantly. That is why he is a demon. The deals are never simple. The cost is high. If I lose. If. I lose. If I do not. I evolve. I grow. Greed. Hunger. Cunning. Ego. Impulse. Time to grow. To evolve. Into something new. Something better. But I need the others too. These alone will not be enough. He should have brought others with him. Irtiqa. He called at his time.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Flux

I do not want wealth. I do not want fame. They only bring discomfort. And vice. They only bring you into the eyes of the people. Nothing Else. They leave you barren. People think money is power. They are wrong. Rich people hide. They fear. Even their own shadows. Scare them. Fame. They are not theirs. They live for the world. Wealth. And. Fame. They take peace. That is their opportunity cost. Peace. Love brings Peace. No Peace. No love. No love. No Peace. Its a simple equation really. I make mistakes. Not many. But I do. And when I do, they are grave. They are bigger. A cost. A simple one. Easily avoidable. But not so. A mistake is a mistake. I am careful. I am strong. My demons make me stronger. But I am nothing. Now. Peace. That is all I desire. At the moment. A clear head. My head was clear. At least it looked like it. Calm like the sea before the storm. But the storm always raged beneath the surface. Now. It rages on the surface. And nothing is still. The world is in flux. But I am not. It is too fast. I cannot go fast. I will tread over aspects. Things. People. I must be careful. I can be hit too. I am not immortal. We used to be though. Now we only suffer longer.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Shattered Heart

The shattered heart, the broken dreams,
The world is dead as it seems,
Every where a shade of gray,
All I hear is just hearsay,

The shattered heart, I do not care,
The cracked mask causes despair,
My talismans they are not here,
Weak and pitiful I do appear,

The cracked mask, the weakened will,
Surviving this will take some skill,
My words they fail, they are so frail,
My soul it seems has been impaled...

Confusion

I want to let them run free. My demons. They tempt me. With freedom. And they will get me. Freedom. The one thing that I want. But. I will not be able to control them. They. Once free, cannot be bound. They are rash. Reckless. Destructive. They do not care about the after effects. The reactions. They do not care about. Relations. They do not care about. Worldly customs. They do not care about. I am indecisive. I cannot choose. What to do. Do I let them out. Or not. Out. They free me. But they are demons. To them what gives must stay. What takes must go. Conflict. That is what is happening me. I hate it. On the other. I cannot afford to hate it. I am conflicted. I am being broken. What little of me I had gathered. I is being broken. Not by power. Of strength. But by simple presence. The essence of being. That is enough to break me. I was never this weak. Maybe. But just. Maybe. What does not kill me, will only make me stronger. What should I do. That is the question.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Demons

They caught up with me. I thought I had left them. Out ran them. But I was wrong. I didn't do anything. They just let me be for a while. The freedom I felt for a while. Theirs. The strength I felt in me. Theirs. My thoughts for a while. Theirs. My words of expression. Theirs. My life. It seems. Is theirs. They are my demons. They are stronger than me. My demons. They are more cunning than I am. My demons. They can outwit me. My demons. They are back. They haunt me. They used to haunt me. I thought it was divine intervention. A remainder of the important tasks. It was after they left me that I realized. They were demons. They haunted me. Now I realized. They let me be. Like cruel hunters do with their game. Like monsters do with their prey. They let me rejuvenate. Regrow. So later they can have more fun. They no longer give me subtle dreams. They now jolt me. They shock me. They scare me. I know they are there. I can't hurt them. I can't touch them. They want me to join them. I can't. I am not that strong. Joining them makes me stronger. I just can't. Something holds me back. I join them I become unstoppable. More importantly. They will stop scaring me. They will leave me in peace. But I can't join them. I am incapable of doing that. They coaxed me into this. This job. This work. My purpose is there. My destiny is there. They. The demons. They too are there. I want to join them. Be them. Be at peace. That is all I want. Peace.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Faana o Khudi

Sufism. I had not heard about it. Or read about it. In a long time. This reminded me. Love. It is indomitable. Insatiable. Infinite. Unquenchable. Faana. A concept in Sufism. Khudi. Another idea. Both. I have read about. Looked into. They appear unreal. impracticable. Khudi is self. Faana is beyond the end. Faana. Khudi. Their idea is simple. The Self. It must sit on a high throne. Yet. It must end. As if, it never was there. The end. As if it never was. A surreal concept. An impracticable concept. Then there was Mansoor. The Al-Haaj. The one who cried, "I am truth". A blasphemous thing to say. The least.  There are demons and binds along the path to this annihilation. To stop us. They please us. They promise us. Peace. Salvation. Belonging. But they all lie. Majnoon. The true lover. If you have not loved like him. You have not loved at all. Was betrayed by these. Mansoor. He passed them. Majnoon was not wrong. Mansoor was righter still. I. I want to be free. Break these binds. Travel the path of Majnoon. And beyond. To Mansoor. Or further still. Many scholars say the path of Majnoon is the path of Mansoor. Mansoor just walked further. Forget the facts. They are lies. Crafted. Drafted. The lore. The myths. They come from the hearts. They are the truth. I want to be free. Of these Bind. Of these masks. To be in love. Love. True love.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Selfish

Everything has a purpose. Even the selfless acts that we do. They have it too. Purpose. That is what defines the universe. Selfishness. The epicenter of this purposefulness. A person driven by purpose is selfish. Only a selfish person can be driven by purpose. The universe is essentially selfish. A baby is born. The parents are happy. Not out of selflessness. But out of selfishness. Something they made came into this world. Their lineage continues. A person dies. There are people. Sad people. Weeping. Sobbing. Even wailing. Selfish. They all are. They cry. Not for the dead. But for themselves. They know they have lost something. A lover cries. They have lost something to love. Not for the lover. But for their own loss. People get killed. A random act of terror. Nothing is random. Still. People cry. Their tears. Their own. Loss of something. That is what makes them cry. Humanity. It is selfishness disguised. Then again. I may be wrong. I have a way. Of twisting the words. So. This time too. I may have twisted them. Either way. We are selfish. It defines us.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Haiku XVI

Dressed in a dark attire,
I will set the world on fire,
You vampire of desire.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Mirrors

My eyes burn. That feeling. Its back. Now its different. Because, I know why its here. The cause. The reason. The catalyst. I know what it is. It was not an epiphany. I was just more observant this time. People think I am a liar. Some others think I simply cannot lie. There are people who do not question me. Then there are those who do nothing but question me. The healthy middle. I cut my ties with it. Not long ago. It wasn't that difficult. It was just a person's width wide. An image. In a way. Not a perfect image. But it did reflect me. Betrayal. Ego. Self-Preservation. Reactivity. I don't know which one was it. Maybe a little bit of them all. Maybe all of them in their lustrous sheen. The reason. Why I cut off the reflection. I do not look for reflections. I may have grown. I may have evolved. Something different altogether. I should. Shatter the mirror. End the image. I left that task in the hands of a game. A game. Something that amuses you. Something that you play with. The image played with it too. It left scars. It was a beautiful game. Filled with allure and complexity. Now its just that. A game. I cannot shatter it. The image. I would break myself. But If you break the image. I would not shatter. Or I could. No. The game is too fragile. And I cannot scar it more.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

One minute at a time

"But you are mesmerized. You are going to die. This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time." I read this somewhere. Where. I do not remember exactly. It was a beautiful place I tell you. Believe me you. Or not. Not would be a better option. You really don't have much reason to do that either. Its more prudent that way. I will come back to this in a minute. A quick review of the day. Banged my bike into a army truck on my way to work. The officer asked me if I was okay. I said yea. He says good, now scram. The day was somber. Biryani at lunch. Friday is always biryani day. Had dinner with colleagues. Friend called. I said scram. Rudely. Aggressively. I'll make up to it. I always do. I am losing my touch. It takes me longer to tap into people. To read them. But I am mesmerized. By what. By her beauty. By its beauty. There is not her. Nor an it. There is no time for either. Then what mesmerizes me. I wish I knew. I am going to die. Not now. We don't die early. We live longer than the average person. That is our curse. Life. It is ending. And one minute at a time. Every minute. I am mesmerized. By what. I want to know.

Friday, April 6, 2012

23

That is how old I am today. I mean yesterday. 5th April. It was fun. The day. Friends wished me. It was fun. People in the office tried to coax me into giving a treat. I avoided it all. A few friends wished me in some clever ways. Boss, the CFO took me to lunch. Me psychoanalyzed. Me. It was flattering. And insulting. But the office is no place to get insulted. Especially at this stage. Flattered I am. It was a good year. Had fun. Few regrets. Two to be precise. No use remembering them. Improvement. That is the focus now. Not too many thoughts. Just want to sleep. Soak it all in. Refresh the mind. Must come up with new excuses. New scenarios must be run for tomorrow. Damn firecrackers. They are noisy. All the best for the rest of the days ahead!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Two Decades

Its been almost 2 decades. Slightly over them. There are certain habits I would love to reacquire. Other habits I would love to leave. Seems I have been able to do either in all this time. The ones that left me. Left for good. The ones that I have. Seem to be here for good. But that cannot be. The habits must change. With time. They must. That is what evolution is. That is what change is. So much time has passed. So much has changed. That is life. I guess.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Apotheosis

The idea has fascinated me for quite a while. My thoughts are no longer a chaos. Chaos gives way to order. Order will then one day give way to chaos. That is the state of human mind. But image for a minute being able to control it. That would be a god like ability. The ability to control yourself. To master the universe, one must master oneself. I read that somewhere. I think that is what apotheosis is. The thought. The idea. I can't control. What I would give now just to have, even the illusion of that control. I had that illusion once. It was strong too. I thought it was real. Despite making it up. I remember a couple of years ago. At a friends place. On the roof top. A friend asked me. "tmhari manzil kahan hai?" Teenagers have such limited thoughts. Good Grades. Girls. Social Life. My ego never permitted simple answers at that time. "Jahan dekhoon yahan Ka'aba, jidhar rukoon who manzil" I know it was an illusion. That control. But now I want it. It is there. I just need to find it. I didn't lose it. I just forgot where I put it.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Mask

A Mask. A pale one I think. A very boring one at that. That is what I think it is. I cannot see. You can see. I cannot. Then there are masks I can see and you cannot. It is a cruel irony. Of fate, I think. You are the only one who cannot see, while the world watches on. But then again there have been people who have seen it. Hell, they have known it better than the world that saw it. But then again, those were not ordinary people. A mask. A perky one I think. A mask. A joyous one I think. A Mask. I dammed one I think. A mask. One for society to see. One for the family. One for my friends. Another for someone else I think. That is how I see me. A collection of faces. Each replaceable. Each changeable. A different one for a different time. Only a few people will see through. And even they cannot see through it. They guess, they infer. They employ a simple mathematical formula. Intersection. The qualities that are common to very face, they infer, belong to the real face. I know the ones that I have. It is a wonderful thing. Ironic too. You cannot share it with the world. They world will think then. This beats their purpose. All they see are masks. Different masks. Colored. Designed.For the purpose.