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Sunday, December 2, 2012

Vanished

The color in her eyes vanished,
It feels like life itself is famished,
It was done with her smile,
But to fade it took a while,
The people they now look so vile,
As if they are just filled with bile,
Life it seems has done a wrong,
And now here is another song,
To think about it would be a crime,
I think I need a better rhyme,
Nothing more but just a memory,
A victim of another treachery.

13 comments:

Dania said...

I like the last two lines the most. Not bad, but you could have made the rhyming a bit better. Otherwise it is a good poem, and I think if you practice your writing even more, you can become even better! Just keep writing :)
Also I like that the idea your conveying can be relate-able to a lot of people!

Dania said...

you're*

Daniyal said...

It Started Seeming Like A Little Bit Of A Freewrite At "I think I need a better rhyme".
You Should Probably Give More Attention To The Meter Of The Poem To Make It Rhyme Properly, Other Than That I Like The Concept.

quartertoinsane said...

@dania: Thank you for liking it and for the feedback, I will work on that :)

@daniyal: Ahan... I thought something was off, its the meter. Thanks :)

Furree Katt said...

Poems that rhyme make me so happy! :)

TayTay said...

Fancy!
The only line I'd change is the "I think I need a better rhyme" one.

Keep writing :)

quartertoinsane said...

@Furree: Thank you! ^_^
@taytay: Thanks for the suggestion :) But what do I change it with?

Shreya said...

Good one :)

quartertoinsane said...

@Shreya: thanks :)

Maryam A. said...

This is so lovely. :)

quartertoinsane said...

thank you :)

Zeba said...

Could change it to 'escaping through the weight of time..'

But I like it the way it is. :)

quartertoinsane said...

your line has more depth, I will keep it in mind next time. Thank you :)

Really! Thanks! :)