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Friday, March 30, 2012

Defeated

I originally titled this post infer. Not as in infer. But rather Infer, the competition being held in IBA. Maybe it was fated after all. The team would have won. It would have. But plans never do work the way they are thought up.It broke up. out of 5, 3 members backed on almost the 11th hour. A capable ad-hoc team was established that too would have won. But alas, we did not have time. I was not able to produce the presentation in time and thus that saying fits in. Once a king had a messenger take a message to one of his generals at war. The messenger did not pay heed to the fact that a nail on the horses shoe was loose. He rode the horse without any after thought to the consequences. On a treacherous path, the nail came off and was lost. For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of the shoe, the horse was lost. For want of the horse, the rider was lost. For want of the rider, the message was lost. For want of the message the battle was lost. For want of the battle, the war was lost. For want of war, the kingdom was lost. I know this is a bit inaccurate, but its got the gist. Either way, my reaction was not quick enough. Just a little bit quicker and I would have been done with the presentation and then the competition would have been mine. At least I can turn chaos to order to now, an order that I like. But alas! a defeat. What doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger. It will, I know that.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

To the Point

I know what I have to do. I have to be concise. Direct. To the point. I need to stop beating about the bush. I need to stop tinkering with mechanics. Go with the flow. But that is something that is essentially against my nature. My nature. Its complicated. I adapted. No. I never adapt. I reciprocate. I react. I am incapable of action. I only act when there is no other action left. The consequences. They scare me. They restrict me. Bind me. They are the reason why I react and not act. I copy the surroundings. I can sense the mood. That does not stop me from acting against the greatest interests of the environment. I act against the environment. I worship chaos. But that is not the point here. How do I write. The tone that I take, the choice of words. All of these are important. I lead. They say I am no leader. Sadly, the truth is I am and I cannot resist leading. Even sadder, however, is the fact that I do not like taking blame. Something that a leader must do. Often I end up leading from the shadows. Suggesting suggestions. This is complicated. I am participating in IBA Infer, and I am thinking about the tone for my analysis. This is preliminary work based on the information I cursorily gathered. Is it Love, Is it Love... the beat. the rhythm. At another time, I would have synced myself to these beats. Now is not the time. My thoughts they are complicated, they are an amalgam. I just to read them better. I need more practice not more time. It is like a daze. A haze. No. Its just me. Sleepy....

Saturday, March 24, 2012

You are divine

You are divine, you are divine,
You are an alchemical wine,
And we will be together free,
For all those scars time will heal...

You are divine, you are divine,
I see our fates intertwine,
And our hearts will forever merge,
Underneath this love, we will submerge...

You are divine, you are divine,
You are an alchemical wine,
You are divine, you are divine,
I see our fates intertwine....

The dreams I see,
With the deep blue sea,
The fire burns,
The road with its twists and turns...
You are divine, you are divine,
You are divine, you are divine...

Friday, March 23, 2012

In my mind

I look for peace, but I can attain it. It eludes me. In my mind, it is a maze. I hit upon on a note, a lyric, a verse, and the very next moment there is only a tedious task to be accomplished. It is not that artistic thing altered. No. This is different. This is a new. This task was tedious to begin, this was not a transmutation. A transmutation. It makes is sound noble, and it may as well be. But this is it. I sat down to write a poem, something good. Something that would document by state of mind. No work, No friends, just me. Friends, many of them I have given up on. They disappoint me. They drag me down to their level. That level a do not like, that is common. Common is boring. Life should not be boring. Boring work, even that I cannot take. It takes time. It will away a part of my life. This is how complicated it is. I was about to sleep. But not I think I will read a bit of 'Matilda' before moving on. Certainty, won't that make life boring. Knowing everything and anything there is. There must be some gaps in life. Some chasms. And even some Abysmal pits of hell. Life should be wondrous. My eyes are burning. Not into my sockets. They are just burning. I must be tired. Sometimes I wonder, how to people stay alive with so little sleep. The best I could is 27 hours and then I slept the next whole day. Such chaos in my mind. There is no coherence, no organization. No order. Maybe that is why I prefer chaos to order. It is always ordo ab chao, I want it to be chao ab ordo. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The One

Have you ever had the one. Not the one you got or the one that got away. No those are common things. There is nothing unique about them. Almost everyone has had one of those. No, this one is different. Not like the one for whom you'll tear apart the heavens and set fire to the world. No, that is the one you cannot lose because then you lose a part of youself. No, this one may become that one. Yet they are not it at this time. Maybe in the future, if everything works out. This does not mean that you will stop trying to win them over, you will keep on trying until you win them over. Yet you will stop if a better person beats you to it. That one. This one. Such is the person who is being referred to here. They light up the world, but when they leave it won't be dark. Maybe a little dimmer, but never dark. This one. The one. Whom you love and you will let go if you are not good enough. Or if you know their heart rests else where. This one. I am not able to convey the idea. You live for this love, yet you do not die when this love leaves you. You live, you carry on. Stronger. Faster. More determined than ever. Now your steps do not falter because you have walked this path before. That kind. Have you ever had one?

Monday, March 19, 2012

The Storm

It was a storm. Dry, there was no water. Not even a single drop fell that day. But it was a storm. The sun was blocked out, but there wasn't a single cloud that day. There was no thunder, but still there are a horrifying sound in the air. There was no fire, but still it burned. The people, they watched in wonder. As there city was torn asunder. This was not an beginning, but a prelude. The people though were still indifferent. Sand, that is what will undo this desert city. Water, it will just watch from the side lines as it has always done. And then one day there will be heaps and heaps of sand, with dunes and mounds the landscape will be painted. And I, I will have returned from whence I came.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

In the Binding Heart of Darkness

In the binding heart of darkness there is still hope for some light. The people who live their lives like this everyday hope to win the fight. They all truly deeply hope this is not all in vain. So they all do what they can do that is bear the pain. Faith seems a distant memory in this land of dread. It is here where people are dying for a bread. Throats are slit, and blood is spilt. Red, shinning like a thread of silver in the hands of a smith by the furnace fire. I have seen my blood flow, thick, crimson, dull. The roads so straight and direct. Yet they intertwine and cross over and wind in an unending manner. Life should be unending. But then again, it shouldn't. For a new journey to begin, the old one must end.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Early

A colleague at the office asked me when I went home yesterday, I replied early. Then he asked the time, I said around 10. Strange how we adjust to the environment and circumstances. But that is not the early part. My senior left today for a Pakistan tour, part of an official business. Now I am left with his responsibilities, I have to manage what ever he was managing. I personally feel it is too early, mostly because I do not want to start working seriously. But also because I do not understand the system completely, and with my tendency to work around things, it may be not so good for me. But I am praying that this all works out good. I know this is for the best. I think I'll plunge in tomorrow then go with the flow later. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I Dreamt

When people tell their dreams, they describe some of the most beautiful things. They say they do not remember precisely but the parts that they do remember are memorable. I do not remember many of my dreams, I do remember what they were about but I do not remember the scenes. However, as I said, there are some dreams that I remember has clear as a fresh water spring. Vivid. Detailed. Precise. That is how I remember these dreams. Another reason many be that there are only a limited number of these dreams. Three to be precise. One from my student life, from intermediate. Another when I was studying CA. And one is recent, from the yesterday before yesterday. In all these dreams I am working on numbers. On the first two I am solving questions that I could not solve while I was awake. The third dream was about me, making entries in the financial system. I remember the account code, something that I normal write down because they are too big. This one was 90-01010-0105-63310-0000-00. But why can't I remember something more livelier, more artistic, more meaningful. And I fell asleep again!!! What is wrong with me???

Monday, March 12, 2012

A full moon

I was putting in late sittings at the office for the past couple of days. That meant leaving late and getting a signal free corridor free of traffic. On one of my such rides home I noticed the moon. Full. Round. White. Strong. Definite., tonight I saw it again. It was not so rounded. But still it was there. Clear as a night sky. I am writing this post cause i want to write.

PS: there will be mistakes in this because I am too sleepu, so much so that I felt asleep while types

Saturday, March 10, 2012

A toasted bread with a side of Marmalade

What makes it so, ummm... eatable. I tried to wonder and ponder over the question for a while. But then I realized, I was running late for the office. So I leave the pondering for a while and go about work. Go about work. This makes it sound like work is either frolicking about in the building or something so magnanimous, rather monstrous that it drains every ounce of my strength to accomplish. It is none of that, but more about that some other time. Where were we, oh yes, the toasted bread and marmalade. I bitter thing I found it to be, but it had a charm, a taste that was unique. I think I would rather not ponder over it too much, rather just enjoy it.

Friday, March 9, 2012

More than 16

That is the amount of time in hours that I am spending in the office or office related studies. I have to find a way to manage all of this to make room for studies... Studies something that I must must must do. I what to write something, anything that carriers some meaning, even a one liner would be great. But my mind isn't working that way. Or any other way. I am sleepy, damn sleepy. I am tired, I do not feel like being creative. I feel a sleep typing this, in a sitting position.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Just Not Yet

Just not yet, because now is not the time. I used to have excessive money, my own money, nothing that I borrowed from my father or mother. This was what I earned. And I used to give it in the form of interest free loans to my so-called friends. I did not worry about it then, I had lots of it. Enough to withstand the non-payments. Now I regret that, I should have laid out more severe terms, imposed an interest (let it be non-kosher), and made them sign an agreement with their blood. Now I have to wait for them to pay back, I have to ask for the money. And when they do give it back, I know for a fact that they will not act like people returning money, rather like people giving away charity. Here is another fact, the loans that I have yet to collect are 13000/- An amount I wouldn't have given a damn about, but now... NOW, this is more than what I get paid at the office. This is a FML!!! moment, but that would be akin to being ungrateful.

The only thing those unpaid loans have done is set me back a bit financially. I will recover, I will be back I always am. I will still turn the world to ashes. Not just yet, but I will...

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I live in the city of ... (II)

I live in the city of vice,
Where darkness rules,
and there is blight,
Even when the sun shines bright...

Here hope and faith,
linger on an edge,
waiting for light,
to make a wedge...

I live in the city of despair,
I live in the city of anger,
I live in the city of respite,

Where only darkness rules,
And fear roams free,
Even when the sun shines bright.

 

I live in the city of ... (I)

I live in the city of lights,
where there is never night,
And daylight shines,
while darkness broods...

Here joy and sorrow,
are just another part of life,
Lurking and skulking,
this is what despair does...

Fear fleeting in fright,
Here there is never night,
Despair and envy stay at bay,
This is the city of lights.


Friday, March 2, 2012

Party Abi Baqi hai...

I thing is, I can not think of anything... I read such wonderful posts on other blogs, I want to write something too. I do not even feel like picking a topic or an issue... I am just listening to this song which my friend linked to me. The video ain't not that good, but the senseless lyrics get a bet fun after the initial minute or so...