The last time you said I need to behave properly around you. I wondered and pondered. About how you had gestured. And how you had labored. To keep me away. Had all that strength. And Labor. And will. Been invested in something without ill. Songs would have been sung about you. Or at least a reputable mentioned made. You invited me to that social event. And I knew it was unmeant. Your company I liked. For there I could be. Me. But if my masks I have to wear. And my demons' form I have bear. In your presence too. Then sirs. I bid adieu. These powers of mine. I can combine. To earn some worldly profit. And thus I opine. I should assign. My presence. To worldly lords and tyrants.
There is this dark dark place in the corner of my mind which I visit often. The problem is not with the dark place. It is a part of my personality. An integral part. It is the manner in which I visit that is the problem. I need to learn to control that.
Prove to me that you are not a figment of my imagination. I always ask people. With whom I find common ground with to do so. It reassures me. Of something. Of What. That I do not know. I am selfish like that. But I am. And so. I must. Ask you again. You. Yes. You. Prove to me that you are not a figment of my imagination.
I went job hunting today kinda. I am in no mood for a serious job right now. Normal jobs they do not pay well. Not at all. I like my work. I think I will continue down with it. Some people are of the opinion that this work falls within the black area. Then they define certain conditions which if satisfied would make this thing fall in the white area. To hell with that. I am happy with the greyishness of the while affair. Also. I get to do what I like. Well at least one of the things that I like. I just resent the fact that I wasted valuable time that I could have spent sleeping. Oh well. I'll just find a replacement and excuse myself from there.
This is the longest fast I have had in my whole life. 15 hours. Seriously. I was lucky that my first dozen Ramazan's or so did not come in the summers. I really am trying to focus on the spirit of the month. But seriously, I cannot. I cannot focus. All day long, I was like nothing. Then suddenly I felt hungry. Now I am too full. Prayed and whatnot. But the spirit of the month still alludes me. I know the spirit. Its just that I do not feel it. Lets hope and pray we all do.
So yea. I restarted my work. Sort Of. Now I'll be on the computer even longer. Not that I go away from. I am here almost every hour. Just now. I will be even more here. What was I going to write. This is happening a lot to me these days. I think of something. Then it vanishes. The indecisiveness. It really is becoming an issue. For me. Too much. I cannot decide upon anything significant. My brain won't start working. It should. Now. Like a 24 hour shop. Without any holidays. I could use some good thoughts to think. I mind is. At present. In a state of nothingness. It thinks nothing.
I will give the CSS exam hopefully. And then when I pass. I will become a bureaucrat. And if I do not pass. I may be contacted by someone saying how I was cheated out from what was rightfully mine by the right of being born. And yada yada blada blada. I got an email like this when I gave the IBA entry exam. I did join. Some Issues. But that email was fun. I may will get one like that in CSS. I do hope I do not. That is the issue. This is absolute mind-f****y. I cannot decide. I have never ever been able to decide. The lack of decisive power has dealt me a great deal of misery. From the wrong choice of hair style to actual real world problems. I kinda sorta hate it. But I do not do anything about it. It may be a problem with me. May be problem. Mental perhaps. Or Physical that manifests in lack of decisiveness. Girl I like. I can not for the death of me tell her. Girl I repulsively hate. I tell her I like her. Tie I love. I do not buy. Tie I hate I buy. I mean. What is wrong with me. Things I do not want to write about I write. Things I do want to write about I do not write. Instead of showing the world how narcissistic I am. I want to write my thoughts on the current world affairs. So that the future generations can know that. There were some people who knew that this is some fucked up shit. Off topic. The issue being. I cannot decide anything. I go out to eat. I cannot decide what to eat. I know this is some kind of an issue. I know I manifest ADD/ADHD symptoms. But just symptoms. Person with this cannot, simple CANNOT write a post this long at a stretch. Also, they cannot do tedious boring freelancing. Oh well. Erfindergeist I am.
I hate it. I hate it. I incurred a bad debt. It is sad. Really. No more will I lend money to those who appear to be in need. Not until they have their fingers cut off and a pound of flesh missing will I lend them money. And that too will be legalized with the paper work and all.
People become very cross with me. When they ask for money and I refuse. Then they become cross again when I ask them to repay me. Why is it so hard. For People to pay back what they owe. I have been called Rude. Inconsiderate. Inhuman. And even Ungrateful. For asking my money back. I feel very crossed at that point in time. Then again. What can I do. What I usually do. But still. Its money. It affects friendships. It affects mine at least. Especially when you offset my amount. Also when you say you are not going to pay since you don't want to. It is a measly little sum. But it is a sum. Also. I am never lending money again. I thought of a good curse too. "I hope you need money and no friends lent you and the banks refuse. And you have to borrow from a soodi pathan. Then you can't pay him back. And phr who aap k saath ko ziadti kary" No wait. This is pointless. Its just Money. Just Money. It is. It is. Or Is It?
I looked into Tarots, they are a good pass time. But with the limited amount of people who do that shit. It is a bit difficult to find someone good. Then I looked into Spirit Animals. A blogger inspired me to do that. Its too vague though. Every one has their own meaning of each Spirit. I mean decide already. While I like uncertainty. This is not uncertainty. This is plain confusion. So I decided. Back to my old interests. Not the other ones. They are dangerous. And. Also I do not have resources for that. Even though they are of a literary nature. So. I will just go an study demonology. I can't study magic. Its forbidden. Explicitly. But Demonology is not. Albeit. I will have to study the Christian version. The Islamic version is against the basic tenants of the faith. So yea. Christian Demonology it is. I would prefer to go out and enjoy. But due to prior activities (mostly office and a bit of studies) my social connections have been badly damaged. They will take time to repair. Till then Demonology.
PS: A tie as a birthday gift. How does that sound?
Bear. That is my spirit animal. I gave a quiz for that. How disappointing. I thought I would have to get high or track through this desert. Or wander the city from dawn till dusk. Also. I thought I would get a mythical spirit animal like one of Cthulhu's minions or the something similar to that. Oh well. Bear it is.
An in other news. The weather is simply amazing here. Wait. Was yesterday. I did not rain. But it was almost about to rain. Like that. There was also slight wind. I had my paper. The University of Karachi. It took me 27 minutes to get to the department where my exam was being held. Since the weather was good. I noticed. That there were some very beautiful buildings there. Also. There were benches. I never saw them before. And also trees. Meticulously planted. Wildly overgrown trees. I never noticed them before. In a nice weather. It does look good. Rain. What would have made it awesome. But Still. I was tres-awesome.
People think its easy to lie to me. Especially my younger cousins. They think they are smarter than me. They think they can hide stuff from me. Their habits. Their actions. Those idiots ignore one thing. One basic thing. I am the elder here. I have done and I never got caught. There is a reason I am scared of my elder brothers. Especially the two which have never ever been caught doing anything wrong. Like ever. They are that freaking good. Consequently, I try to avoid interacting with them. You see. Because I know that they know what to look for while looking for anything. I don't lie to them. I keep shut. I do whatever they want me to do. And then poof, I am gone. The smart ass cousins who claim they are elders but have been caught a couple of times. I do not give a damn about them. They can't catch me. But the good ones. They are dangerous. I lack their experience. But I know a few tricks. And my little cousins think they are sooooo freaking smart. Its kinda pitiful really. Lets see. Also, since I have not told these secrets to anyone. They think they got away with these. Sad little scums. One just lied about an entry exam. I mean bhenchood kisay chutia samjha hoa hai... It actually drives me mad. Kinda. Another tried to frame me last time. Those little fucktards.
PS: Also tarot readers in this city are time consuming and money gobbling. Neither of which I can afford at this moment.
I should be studying for my paper tomorrow. But I am bored witless. My head hurts and I am in no mood to study. So. I just wander about. On the net. I hit this site. While visiting a blog. About tarrots. So yea, I get mine read. Its a logarithm based enumerator really. Back to the point. It was like. Oh Fuck. Thats true. Wow. Yea thats true too. Then it hit me. FUCK NO! abstractions. Things people would like to hear. Like one card read I have a sensual body. I know what I have. I do not find it sensual. In any way. A six pack and a firm diaphragm. Now that would have been sensual. You know the one those deep sea divers have. Then it also said I like to please people and would do anything to please them. I like to please people. But only until they got something for me. As soon as my incentive dies. I screw them over. Not always. Recent events being an example. The events of tonight and the night before yesterday including. And. It also had. Oh wait. I can't recall. My head hurts like hell. Lack of Sleep maybe. I'd love to get a reading though. From a "professional". Then I'd bash them for a wrong analysis. My mother took me to some reader once. I don't remember what that guy was. He told my mother I am innocent little boy, very gullible. Oh yea. I am gullible. Extremely gullible...
Dear future me. Remember. Friday night. Two nights back. What was it. Yea. Friend's sister's wedding something. Tonight too. Didn't want to go. Remember. He thinks you didn't have the courage to face her (not the sister, that girl). And for today, no courage to face him. You know the real reason. Future me. I hope you are more adapt when you read this. Also, I hope you got that cake cause I ain't working at the moment. Also, stats is hard. I am gonna pass this hopefully. Don't get in this mess again.
I don't want to be one. I lack the inhumane drive to be one. I just want my cake and I want out. Although, to get my cake I will have to become one. And then if I become one then I do not get the cake. This is a conundrum, ain't it?
I get addicted easily. To words. Woven in a beautiful manner. Crafted as if a part of nature. Sung as is a song from the soul. I get addicted to them. That is not a normal addiction. I think. But there must be other addicts. Its just that its hard to find them. Too hard. I miss some words. Other I have grown accustomed to not existing anymore. Words. I am addicted to them.
I have reached a conclusion. I am not narcissistic. Rather I am an amplification of the norm. Let me put it in a better perspective with a few examples.
-You and your friend are being chased by zombies. You sacrifice yourself to save your friend. I'll sacrifice my friend to save me. My survival instinct is that strong.
-You and a guy are running away from a horde of zombies. You trip the guy to save your arse. I'll not only trip him. I'll also break his legs to ensure my safety.
-You spend the day with the friend doing their chores and then you think you have done your part. I'll spend the day do their chores and then know I have done more than enough.
-You bend the rules here and there and think you can get away with it. I'll fuck the rules and get away with it.
-You are sent my a friend to another friend to calm the situation down. You go there and talk a bit about yourself and more about the problem. I just talk about myself.
-You keep secrets my telling them to congregation of people. My secrets, I'll take to my grave.
-You think I may not trust you. I fucking don't.
See, I am a normal person amplified mentally. I have more anxiety. I am more angrier. I feel more sadder. It is also one of the few reasons why I can't experience a full range of emotions. I am not among the top cream. I am average. Slightly above it. That is all. You have not seen sociopaths. That is why you opine that I am one. You have not seen selfish people. That is why you opine that I am one. Also, you have not seen the truly demented. That is why you opine that I am one. The thing is. While I have seen the shadow of the world, and I see it everyday. You do not even have an idea of what the world truly is.
I have been minding my own business. I have been doing good deeds. I haven't sworn in a while. And only a few people are pissed off at me. It couldn't have been a better time. This would be the ideal time to go.
I am torn. All the wisdom I ever gathered. It seems lost. I cannot remember a word of what I have read. I hint of what I learnt. That is how lost I am. I am lost within my own mind. Like a slave of my own self. However, instead of needs, wants, desires. I am lost within a hollow self. There is nothing. Just darkness. Crushing. Grinning. Congesting. Darkness. Around me. I am a victim of my own design. Or fates Design. I never know. I say I believe in fate. And that I rely on it. But the truth be told I try to master my own destiny. I try to earn my own keep. I say I believe in chaos. But every step I take is an attempt to avoid it. I think. I am lost. In my own lies. I have told them to myself so often that I have forgotten what the truth was. I write. Not to share my thoughts. Nor do I write to spread my ideas. The objective of my writing is simple. It is meant to preserve a piece of me. Me. That is all my writing serves. The demons they lay asleep again. The masks all tattered and broken. My heart is not shattered glass. Rather my mind is torn apart.
Any doctors in the house? Quacks, Pseudo-Doctors, even Witch doctors will do. I just need a prescription for something that can stop me from thinking. I think a lot. A lot. And I mean A lot lot. Its like. I do nothing but think. I am fed up of this thinking. It causes stress. Tension. It may cause me to die earlier than usual. I don't want to die. Or do I. That is not the point. I want to stop thinking just for the day. You know. Something the popping of which will make my mind go blank. I can run scenarios, simulations. What the fuck not in my mind. Its wonderful. And all that. But seriously, its too much tension. I can not take that much stress. I need to stop thinking. How do I do that. Please help. I learned that. Then I forgot! Anything will do.
So yea. Just because I said you are great to make you pay for that tea does not make you great. Just because I say you are awesome and rich, just to ensure that you don't run away with my money does not mean I think you to be whatever I said you are. To you. Dude. Especially to you. Most of the things I have said are lies. No. Wait. Almost all of them are. I mean c'mon your IQ isn't even half of mine and you think you can beat our combined IQ. Dude our combined IQ crosses 300. You have like a 60 or 70-ish IQ level. Dude I lied. Get over it. I am not being personal at this point. But I will be. It won't take me long. You pride on being what you are, I am proud of what I am. And you do not want to see what I am. Also, I do what I want to. I am in no mood for justifying myself. What I did not say to them, I will say to you. And I do not want to do that. You still have to pay me 500bucks. Cough that up and then I will tell you the whole story, including the dirty details. Of course its not my story, mine is different. But it does concern you. Yea. I am about to get personal. ...
I think I have anger management issues. Or something to do with social situations.... I should have gone to a proper university. That would either have ironed these issues out of me. Or I would have gotten them beaten out of me. Seriously. The above is what I want to say. But I can't. I don't like confrontations. I avoid them. Like a ninja. And I am not even near a ninja. Physically speaking. I either avoid or go all in. And then I do not stop. Until someone stronger stops me. I have even gone against bigger people. Not a good thing. That inability to handle socially awkward situations. It bad. Also the above is to be said to a dude so is pestering me to call him to tell him why I resigned. What the hell is wrong with people... I think I'll get a human diary. Tell it everything and then hope it doesn't blabber everything out. This way. I can avoid odd blog posts and real life conversations.
I am stuck in this strange place. Its between feeling happy and depression. Between anger and Joy. Its like. Its confusing. I should make a human dairy then burn it just symbolically show my state of mind.