Sunday, August 24, 2014

Its not that I am not depressed

Ever since I came back to Karachi, I haven't written much. Its not that coming back to the city fixed me and made me sane. Its just that, ever since I came back I haven't had time. Time is always a rare commodity in this city. My depression hasn't gone anywhere. Its actually increased, but given the different venues of expression that I have here I am able to control it to a certain extent. I am more relaxed too, may be its cause this is my city so I am not that worried here. Life has been good, and it will continue to be good, God Willing.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Retirement Plan

I made a plan, a retirement plan. Not one of those I'll save enough money by this age and this money is enough money to I don't have to work plan. Its an actual plan. It involved demoting to a low level job and then reducing my work load while my pay increases due to seniority. Its quite simple. I think but there may be some details I haven't worked out yet. I'll get to them later.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Leave me alone

You know when you just want to be left alone. I mean actually alone. I feel that way. It doesn't happen with family. We have this unspoken rule in the family, we leave each other alone. We take care of each other, but we don't smother each other, we don't force our company. Yes, we are there when someone wants us to be there. But its family, they deserve that time. They can have that time. That time is theirs to be honest.

Its not the same with friends or co-workers. Okay so you are cool and all that but enough is enough. You are lame as hell and I am only with you cause I work with you. I do not like your company. Honestly I don't. Its that simple. Get it already. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

A walk

You know when life just doesn't pan out, when nothing seems to work. You don't feel depression if you are with people. Especially with people who talk the same as you. Leave all of that behind. No, not metaphorically, literally. But go out for a walk. That's all it takes.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Got Lost

I got lost today while coming back to the guest house. Lost in Islamabad. Its a miniscule city. Seedhi Seedhi roadain hain, us pay bhe bhatak gae! but I liked it. It was tiring, a bit unsettling. Its our habit to get unsettled. See, there is this long standing tradition in our city, as soon as it becomes obvious you don't know your way you are bound to be a mugger's target. Even if you do know the way, it doesn't make much of a difference to them. Lugging laptops with you is not a smart idea if you want to get lost. I like getting lost. That is how I discovered half of my city. By getting lost. The other half I asked the people or followed them around. Two halves of the city I still have to explore, but I'll maybe do that when I get back. Back in college, I'd bunk my class and even the evening coaching classes to go somewhere. We'd always take the road that looked good to us or seemed right. But today was fun, we walked. This is a good place to get lost, you are never too far from the familiar place. But that is not the point, this is a good place to get lost. The weather is pleasant this time of the year. I had to use Google Maps to find my way, I'd have preferred not to use that. but it was fun. We found a nice chai wala just a street behind the place where we staying. We were dying for a good chai. But it was fun, I'd like to get lost one more time before I leave and be able to write about it too.

Truly Demotivating

You whats truly demotivating, its your ability to not be able to act. Even if you could act, your ability to not take a definitive decision is. Even if you could take a definitive decisions, your inability to consider the factors is. They all seem self defeating and self serving to me. It would appear that they do not serve any purpose other than to defeat themselves. I feel depressed, rather I don't feel it. I am always depressed. I had gotten used to it though. Now something has changed. I feel it always, looming around me. Although it does have its advantages. But it is becoming a bit too much to suffer through. It is taking its toll on me. I need a win. Just one would do you know.

Sunday, August 10, 2014


Have you even contemplated anything, and by anything I mean anything. I am not talking about the meaning of life of other serious stuff like that. Oh no, I am talking about something mundane; like why does the tea swirl the way it swirl, why did that creaking sound leave the door, why are you leaving on the right side and not in front. Things like that, things with no purpose apparently. Have you?